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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #401
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marley
    Naughty chicken!!
    That's funny Marley!
    I have learned that gifts don't always come wrapped and treasures aren't always buried.
    - Bob Perks

  2. #402
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
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    A new man is brought into prison cell 102.

    Already there is a long time resident who looks 100 years old.

    The new prisoner looks at the old man inquiringly.

    The old man says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe I used to live the life of Riley.

    I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants in France."

    The new man asked, "What happened?"

    "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
    I have learned that gifts don't always come wrapped and treasures aren't always buried.
    - Bob Perks

  3. #403
    Not caring is fun! Matt64's Avatar
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    What's black white and red and goes *thump thump thump thump* *splat*?




    A Nun with a spear through her head trying to walk through a doorway.
    (I'm evil, I know)

  4. #404
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Employee calling off work to boss: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. I'm suffering from anal glaucoma."

    Boss: "Anal glaucoma? What's that?"

    Employee: "I just can't see my a$$ coming to work!"

  5. #405
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
    on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
    shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

    The fellow says, "Sand!"

    The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
    gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
    opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
    to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
    the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
    across the border.

    Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

    "What have you there?"

    "Sand"

    "We want to examine."

    Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
    is on his way again.

    Every two weeks for six months the inspections
    continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
    show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
    and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
    We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
    I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"


    The fellow says, "Bicycles."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  6. #406
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  7. #407
    Lean mean speedin machine AR Boy's Avatar
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    That bicycle joke .... love it! thanks!

    Prince Charles was doing a grand tour of Australia. He was informed by his assistant that he had to open a cannery in Woga Woga (In New South Wales, near Sydney).

    The next day he was in Woga Woga ready for the opening. Limo, assistants, bodyguards, suit and a large pair of scissors.

    As Prince Charles was making a speech, people were rudely staring at an unusual ornament on his head- A fox hat. but no one dared mention it to him. Prince Charles cut the ribbon and everyone there went upstairs to have a little party with canned food and all the rest of it.

    Eventually a drunk man approached Prince Charles and said "Sir, I appreciate you being here but what's up with that ridiculous fox hat?"

    Charles was happy to reply. "Well I called Mummy last night and asked her what I should wear to open a cannery in Woga Woga.Then she said 'wear the fox hat!'"
    read that bold bit out if you don't understand it. remember the heavy British accents.

  8. #408
    FORT Fogey Clipse's Avatar
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    While I was camping this weekend this one guy we met up there was telling us all these jokes. I was a little "under the weather" when he told me them so I hope I get it right:

    Jim was outside watering his lawn when 2 hursts comes driving down the street with a man walking his dog behind it. Behind the man were 200 men following him. Jim was curious so he asked the man who was in the first hurst. The man answered "my wife." Jim said "Oh, what happened?" The guy told him "my dog bit bit her and she died." Jim said "oh I'm sorry. Well who is in the second hurst?" He answered "My mother law, the dog bit her too and she died." Jim said "Can I borrow the dog for the weekend?" The man said "Sure, but you'd have to get to the back of the line."

  9. #409
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is 2 Tylenol and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed, Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean, so is the rest of the house.
    He takes the Tylenol and notices a not on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
    His son says, “Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
    Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
    His son replies “oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”
    Self induced hangover $100
    Broken furniture……..$200
    Breakfast …………….$ 10
    Saying the right thing .. PRICELESS.
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

  10. #410
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Duxxy, I like that one. for the guys

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