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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #391
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Alrighty Daddio....this is for you!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    How to Shower Like a Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her while making the "woo, woo" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

    6. Wash your face

    7. Wash your armpits

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower)

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

    16. Partial dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  2. #392
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maveno
    Alrighty Daddio....this is for you!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



    How to Shower Like a Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her while making the "woo, woo" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

    6. Wash your face

    7. Wash your armpits

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower)

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.

    16. Partial dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
    OMG That isn't FOR me Maveno. That IS me!

    I love it! Great one!

  3. #393
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Mav...that is the funniest, funniest thing I've read all day...
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  4. #394
    I like them silent WomynLee's Avatar
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    ...so funny and true!

  5. #395
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Attached Images Attached Images
    Last edited by Marley; 05-15-2004 at 04:26 AM.

  6. #396
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Naughty chicken!!
    Attached Images Attached Images

  7. #397
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    Beware of a woman scorned


    After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young
    secretary.

    His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's
    multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little
    better, he prevailed.

    He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
    dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
    music
    and
    feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
    Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
    deposited
    a
    few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of
    the
    curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss
    for
    the
    first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
    everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
    checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air
    fresheners
    were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
    canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in
    the
    end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
    worked. People stopped coming over to visit...

    Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
    move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
    could
    not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and
    eventually,
    even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
    her
    the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
    she
    missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her
    divorce
    settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
    a
    price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But
    only
    if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within
    the
    hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man
    and
    his
    new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company
    pack
    everything to take to their new home...

    including the curtain rods.

  8. #398
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Good one. I'm taking note of this.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  9. #399
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    How bout this one :-)


    One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
    her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
    and asked, "Why are you crying?"

    The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and
    she needed the thimble to make her living.

    The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.

    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    The seamstress replied, "No."

    The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
    your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

    The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this
    your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    The seamstress replied, "Yes."

    The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
    thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

    Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
    riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the
    Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

    "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this
    your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

    The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

    The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
    misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would
    have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have
    come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me
    all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all
    three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

    The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and
    honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

    That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

  10. #400
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Good ones echo.

    I love the simpsons. Here are some quotes.

    "Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?" - Bart Simpson

    "Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson

    "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman." - Homer Simpson

    "Operator! Give me the number for 911!" - Homer Simpson
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

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