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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #31
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Men are like.....Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

  2. #32
    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    Subject: the gynecologist


    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge if being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, she decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic.

    She found out from the local technical college what was involved,
    signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all
    she could.

    When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had received a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
    appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
    perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

  3. #33
    eny
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    These are from my fave site The Darwin Awards- People who do unbelievably stupid things and usually end up paying the ultimate price-

    From 2002
    (July 2002, Romania) Forget posted train schedules! Like an American Indian listening for horses in an old Western, a Romanian man placed his ear against the tracks to listen for the arrival of a train scheduled to stop at his station. Instead, the 46-year-old man was hit by an express train, and died instantly from head trauma

    (July 2002) This story was told at a symposium dinner, by two Austrian pathologists who work together in Germany. A deceased male was brought to them for a post mortem. He had suffered severe head trauma. According to police reports, the man wanted to see how a German World War II hand grenade was constructed. His curiosity led him to clamp the grenade in a vise, and cut a thin band around the center with a circular saw, so that he would be able to crack open the two halves. Unfortunately, the man cut a little too deep, and detonated the grenade. The pathologists stated that the man had very little brain material when he was brought to them; however, they were not sure if that was a result of the explosion!

    (1 January 2002, Brazil) Russian Roulette has always been a breeding ground for natural selection, but the men involved in this story deserve extra consideration for their unique approach to this self-destructive game.
    On New Yearís Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by a traditional Brazilian liquor called pinga, when they began playing Russian roulette with holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of lighting fireworks, and holding them in their mouths to see who could delay longest. The man who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor in this battle of wills.

    Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was the winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral

    (7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Geraldís actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... Iíll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
    During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so Iíll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"

    Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldnít flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.

    Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

  4. #34
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    A man asked God how long a million years was to Him. God answered, "Like a minute." A man asked God how much a million dollars was to Him. God answered, "Like a penny." The man thought and then asked, "God, will you give me a penny?. God replied, "In a minute."

  5. #35
    The new me! Feifer's Avatar
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    I have loved that joke for years!!!! Love to see an oldie but a goodie!!!! My dad tells this ond once a year at least
    It occurred to me that no matter how bleak things might seem at times, at least I have a head. ----Stargazer

  6. #36
    FORT Fogey
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    Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
    > One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
    faster
    > if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    > The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes
    > off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
    > The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
    > The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
    > conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and
    > a deer all eat the same stuff. But the deer excretes pellets; the cow,
    > big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
    > The first guy says, "I don't know."
    > The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
    > qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
    >

  7. #37
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Firegirl!

  8. #38
    FORT Fogey
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    One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
    "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

  9. #39
    Rox
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    very funny stuff, people


  10. #40
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    "What did the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do all night?

    He stayed awake wondering if there really is a dog."

    --okay, that was corny

    "A dyslexic guy walks into a bra"

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