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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #381
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A Non-Routine Traffic Stop

    A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name...

    She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in college in America."

    The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well...OK...but don't let me catch you speeding again."

  2. #382
    FORT Fogey Clipse's Avatar
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    I have to try that one

  3. #383
    FORT Fogey
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    A man takes his dog to the veterinarian.

    "Doc you gotta help my dog, I think he is crosseyed and is always walking into walls."

    The vet then picked-up the dog and after throroughly examining his eyes exclaimed "I am going to have to put this dog down."

    "What?!?" the man said in a voice choked with emmotion "But Doc, are his eyes really that bad?"

    "No" replied the vet "He is just really that heavy"
    Last edited by Daddio; 05-13-2004 at 11:07 AM.

  4. #384
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
    The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

    After one day, these were the results:

    The first worm in alcohol - dead.
    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
    Third worm in sperm - dead.
    Fourth worm in soil - alive.

    So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this
    experiment?"

    Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke
    and have sex, you won't have worms?"
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  5. #385
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Seven Dwarfs of Menopause

    Anyone who has one or more on a GOOD day, raise your hand...
    Attached Images Attached Images
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  6. #386
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by averagejane
    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
    The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

    After one day, these were the results:

    The first worm in alcohol - dead.
    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
    Third worm in sperm - dead.
    Fourth worm in soil - alive.

    So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this
    experiment?"

    Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke
    and have sex, you won't have worms?"
    that is a goodie!

  7. #387
    FORT Fogey
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    A young wife (no specific hair color - lets say she is bald) rushed into the house, panicked and exclaimed to her husband:

    Wife- "Honey, someone just came into the driveway and stole our car!

    Husband - "What?! Did you get a good look at him???"

    Wife - "No, but I did get the liscence plate number..."

  8. #388
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Daddio

  9. #389
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marley
    Posts: 345 baby planes
    A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."
    Excellent one Marley!!! I loved it.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  10. #390
    FORT Fogey
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    What did the one saggy boob say to the other?

    "If we dont get some support soon - people are going to think we are nuts."

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