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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #371
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marley
    ....Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits.........

    See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

    It can be done. ....]
    I clicked on the pic to enlarge it. Even in the bird world, that male has no OOs. J/k!!! I really like men (on a "people" level too).

    I have to think of a joke that I can post on FORT.

  2. #372
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Why I Fired My Secretary

    Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.

    I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.

    I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

    The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

    So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

    I said, "No, I guess no." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

    "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

    She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

    And I just sat there ----

    on the couch ----


    naked.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  3. #373
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Whoa!
    I will borrow that one.

  4. #374
    FORT Fogey
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    I love that joke AJ...i heard a version that involved the family dog and a jar of peanut butter instead of the secretary...but i digress. LOL

  5. #375
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    What Daddio? Could you further digress and PM me your version. (Rather, the other version you heard of. )

  6. #376
    FORT Fogey
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    Ha ha...I just PM'ed it to you Eldee...I actually heard it as an "urban legend" rather than a joke. Its funny as a joke, scary as a reality.

  7. #377
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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  8. #378
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
    The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
    The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  9. #379
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    I got this in an email today. With Mother's Day coming up I thought it was timely.


    Things My Mother Taught Me

    !. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC."Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when we get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  10. #380
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    baby planes

    A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."

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