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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #361
    FORT Fan squatboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaG
    ......"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
    it hurt too much for me to laugh

  2. #362
    FORT Fogey
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    A man walks into a dentist's office.

    Dentist: "What seems to be the problem?"

    Patient: "I need help doc, I think I'm a moth".

    Dentist: "A moth?" "Sir, you don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist".

    Patient: "Yes, I know"

    Dentist: "Then why did you come into my office?"

    Patient: "Because the light was on"

  3. #363
    FORT Fan squatboy's Avatar
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    This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks: one in each
    hand and one under his left arm.

    He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the
    bartender.

    The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the
    animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
    They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go
    to the rest room.

    The ducks are left on the bar.

    The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The
    bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

    "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

    "Huey" said the first duck.

    "How's your day been, Huey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

    "Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

    Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"

    "Dewey" came the answer.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I
    had the chance another day I would do the same again."

    So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be
    Louie."

    "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
    frickin' day."

  4. #364
    FORT Fogey
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    Farmer Brown was worried. He had a chicken coop full of hens and his only three roosters had recently been killed by a fox. So he went to visit his neighbor Farmer Smith to ask if he had any roosters he could sell.

    Farmer Smith replied “I have one rooster I can sell you”…”He is very expensive but I can guarantee you that he will service all of your hens – no problem”. Not having a choice, Farmer Brown paid this exorbitant cost and took the rooster home.

    As soon as they arrived back at his farm, Farmer Brown told the rooster “Look, I have a LOT of hens that need mating – but you cost me a small fortune so I want you to pace yourself OK?”

    The rooster nodded and bounded out of the truck and raced right into the hen-house and proceeded to make with each hen 3 or 4 times. Farmer Brown was pleased, but worried that his rooster was wearing himself out.

    Just then, he heard a commotion in the duck pen and rushed over to find the rooster chasing away the drakes and servicing all the ducks. When he finished, the rooster started heading down to the pond.

    “I guess he needs a drink after all that hard-work” Farmer Brown mused to himself, but the rooster then rushed into the water and began mating with all of the geese.

    Later that day, Farmer Brown noticed the rooster lying in the middle of a field, and a bunch of vultures hovering overhead. He walked up to the lifeless looking rooster and with a tear in his eye and lump in his throat uttered “You poor old boy, I told you to pace yourself and now look what happened”

    The rooster, still unmoving, opened one eye and whispered “Shhhhhh, they were just about to land and me wants some of that!”

  5. #365
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daddio
    A man is working in his garden, tending to his prize rose bushes, when he spots a snail crawling in the soil nearby. The man picks of the snail and tosses it 10 feet away.

    5 years later the man is once again toiling in his garden when the very same snail approaches and exclaims "Hey! What's your friggin problem buddy?!?"

  6. #366
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  7. #367
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    The fly story:
    (Click on it to open a new window, it takes a few seconds to get going)
    Attached Images Attached Images

  8. #368
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    That's funny Marley! Someone should send it to Omarosa.
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  9. #369
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    LOL Maveno!
    --------

    Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits.........

    See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

    It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.

    [click on the picture to open a new window]
    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #370
    FORT Fogey
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    A man was nervously preparing for his tax audit with the IRS. He turned to his wife and asked - "I am so nervous about my IRS Audit, what should I wear? A $5000 Armani suit or jeans and a t-shirt?"

    His wife thought for a moment and then replied - "I am going to give you the same advice my mother gave to me when I asked her if I should wear my granny pajamas or sexy black lace negligee on our honeymoon" - "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are still going to get screwed either way".

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