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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #351
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    One for the ladies:

    Just a friendly reminder, it 's that time of the year again.

    Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

    As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

    I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

    I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

    I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

    I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

    I won' t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

    If a strap breaks, I won 't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

    I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl' s if my feet need him.

    I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids 'sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

    I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

    I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

    I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

    I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get an even better one.

    I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...and I will put the white shoes away after Labour Day.

    For all our sakes, please don 't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other Sisters.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  2. #352
    FORT Fogey
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    A young blonde walks into a bank- then, after her head clears from the impact, she opens the door and walks inside-with two large jars of coins. She hands the jars to the teller who puts them in the sorting machine.

    A few minutes later the teller says "That comes to $1, 124.00., that is quite a bit of money, how long have you been hoarding those quarters?"

    "Oh only two weeks" the blonde replied, "But I only whored half of those quarters, my sister whored the other half."

  3. #353
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes usually one liners?
    A: So men can understand them.

  4. #354
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  5. #355
    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    I hate those blonde jokes, thanks Amanda!
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

  6. #356
    FORT Fogey
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    A man was working out in his yard when he noticed his blonde neighbor walk to the end of her driveway and check her mailbox. Finding nothing, she closed it and walked back inside.

    About 10 minutes later the blonde reappeared, walked to the end of the driveway, checked the mailbox and finding it empty once again, slammed it shut and snorted in frustration.

    The man, observing that this routine was repeated several more times, finally approached the blonde and asked her “Why do you keep going out and checking your mail? Its Sunday”

    “Yes I know” the blonde replied “But my computer keeps shouting to me “You’ve Got Mail”.

  7. #357
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

    With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

    Next she picked up a hacksaw.

    The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

    The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

  8. #358
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Amanda, that's a great joke!
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  9. #359
    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    I didn't know this thread was so informative!
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

  10. #360
    FORT Fogey
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    A man is working in his garden, tending to his prize rose bushes, when he spots a snail crawling in the soil nearby. The man picks of the snail and tosses it 10 feet away.

    5 years later the man is once again toiling in his garden when the very same snail approaches and exclaims "Hey! What's your friggin problem buddy?!?"

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