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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #341
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Y'all have probably seen this before, but...

    How to give a cat a pill:
    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9. Check the label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Drink another beer then get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Drink large tumbler of whisky to take away pain. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the bloody cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How to give a dog a pill:

    1. Wrap it in bacon.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  2. #342
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Note - #13 works better if you just use the twine to hog-tie the cat
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  3. #343
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
    One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

  4. #344
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
    year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
    sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I
    don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I
    going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table
    having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure
    hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then
    yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

  5. #345
    FORT Fogey
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    Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

  6. #346
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    marley and daddio. Good ones.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  7. #347
    FORT Fogey
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    A preist is out golfing when it starts to rain and thunder...he is having a great round so he decides to ingore the weather...just as he is approaching the 18th tee a loud thunderclap cracks and lightning strikes a tree not 5 feet from him...

    He makes his drive which lands a few feet from the green and then calls out to his caddie "Hand me a 1 iron my son" as they walk towards the pin..."A 1 iron?!?" asked the puzzled caddie as another thunder clap shakes the ground..."but father, you are merely feet from the green"...the priest then proceeds to hold the club up in the air above his head as they walk. More thunder shakes them.

    "What are you doing father?!?" asks the shocked caddie. "Dont you know that metal attracts lightening?!?"

    The preist then replies "Fear not my son, even God can't hit a 1 iron".

  8. #348
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    HIGHLIGHT TO READ EXPLETIVE JOKE--->
    Click to see Spoiler:
    A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
    To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
    "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
    "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
    The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
    "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
    "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
    Keeing the site PG-13
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  9. #349
    Cheers sweetie!!! Zaaam's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Lucy]Y'all have probably seen this before, but...

    How to give a cat a pill:
    QUOTE]

    I never read this before and I cried laughing so hard.
    Thanks for such a funny article!
    leave the gun...take the canolis - The Godfather

  10. #350
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maveno
    HIGHLIGHT TO READ EXPLETIVE JOKE--->
    Click to see Spoiler:
    A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
    To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
    "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
    "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
    The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
    "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
    "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
    Keeing the site PG-13
    I LOVE that one!

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