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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #331
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    Women should not be allowed to drive! !

    Driving to the office
    this morning
    on the Interstate,
    I looked over to my
    left and there was a

    woman

    in a brand new

    Cadillac

    doing 65 mph

    with her
    face up next to her

    rear view mirror

    putting on her eyeliner.


    I looked away

    for a couple seconds

    and when I looked back she was


    halfway over in my lane,

    still working on that makeup.


    As a man,

    I don't scare easily.

    But she scared me so much;

    I dropped
    my electric shaver,

    which knocked

    the donut

    out of my other hand.

    In all
    the confusion of trying

    to straighten out the car

    using my knees against
    the steering wheel,

    it knocked

    my cell phone

    away from my ear

    which fell


    into the coffee

    between my legs,

    splashed,

    and burned

    Big Jim and the Twins,

    ruined the phone,

    soaked my trousers,

    and disconnected an
    important call.


    Women should not be allowed to drive! !

  2. #332
    FORT Fogey
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    Is it sad that I am guilty of these, and I was only alive for 8 months of the 80s???

    2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
    3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" )
    5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
    start a club of your own.
    10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
    11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales".
    13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
    15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
    class at school. --Oregon Trail was the greatest game ever!!!
    17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) We play this all the time on bus rides> > 18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
    21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all
    the Ramona books. Ramona completed in 1st grade.
    22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
    23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
    33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
    exchanged friendship bracelets.
    34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
    38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.I did! Really, I was wearing huge platform sandals and they broke so I twisted my ankle
    39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
    40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
    49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
    50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales"
    54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on
    "Saved By the Bell", the ORIGINAL class.

  3. #333
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pinkieparrot
    Is it sad that I am guilty of these, and I was only alive for 8 months of the 80s???

    2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
    3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" )
    5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
    start a club of your own.
    10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
    11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales".
    13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
    15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
    class at school. --Oregon Trail was the greatest game ever!!!
    17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House) We play this all the time on bus rides> > 18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
    21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all
    the Ramona books. Ramona completed in 1st grade.
    22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
    23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
    33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
    exchanged friendship bracelets.
    34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
    38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.I did! Really, I was wearing huge platform sandals and they broke so I twisted my ankle
    39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
    40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
    49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
    50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales"
    54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on
    "Saved By the Bell", the ORIGINAL class.
    I think many of them are later, I was born in 1979 and I remember most of these as from when I was older. Fraggle Rock is probably the oldest thing on here that I remember and I was 4 or 5 when I started watching that.
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  4. #334
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech,! are growing in the woods.
    A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
    Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
    He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
    It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in .

  5. #335
    NI FORT fan Belfastgirl's Avatar
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    Why did the lobster blush?


    Because the seaweed!!

  6. #336
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    Bra Sizes

    Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
    letters used to define bra sizes?

    If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
    stood for, it is about time you became informed!

    {A} Almost Boobs...

    {B} Barely there.

    {C} Can't Complain!

    {D} Dang!

    {DD} Double dang!

    {E} Enormous!

    {F} Fake.

    {G} Get a Reduction.

    {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

  7. #337
    FORT Fanatic echo1960's Avatar
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    MasterCard Wedding -- You gotta love this guy,
    This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at
    Clemson
    University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
    mentioned
    it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

    After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage
    with a
    microphone to talk to the crowd.

    He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
    distances, to support them at their
    wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
    and
    to thank his new father-in-law for
    providing such a lavish reception.

    As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give
    everyone
    a special gift just from him. So
    taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding
    party,
    was a manila envelope.

    He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open
    their
    envelope. Inside each manila
    envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.


    The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
    hired a
    private detective to tail them.

    After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
    for a
    couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
    Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned
    to
    the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

    He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

    While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately
    after
    finding out about the affair, this guy
    goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

    His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
    300
    guest wedding and reception, and best
    of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front
    of 300
    friends and family members.

    This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we
    might get
    a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

    Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
    friends....................... ...............$32,000.

    Wedding photographs commemorating the
    occasion...................... ....................$3,000.

    Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
    Maui.......................... ....................$8,500.

    The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the
    bride
    humping the best man..........Priceless.

    There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
    there's
    MASTERCARD.

  8. #338
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    I dunno, I just thought this was hysterically funny:
    Attached Images Attached Images
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  9. #339
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Basic Rules for Driving in California

    1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real
    California driver never uses them.

    2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance
    between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled
    in
    by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3 The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller
    the chance you have of getting hit.

    4. Never, ever, come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No
    one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

    5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
    ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot
    massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
    chance to stretch your legs.

    6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
    It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

    7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a
    suggestion, and are apparently not enforceable in California during
    rush hour.

    8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room
    to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing
    his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

    9 Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an
    accident or even someone changing a tire.

    10. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of the
    high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department,
    which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and
    keep them on their toes.

    11. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at
    cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

    12. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to
    get there first, by whatever means necessary.

    13. In the California area, "flipping someone the bird" is
    considered a polite California salute. This gesture should always be
    returned.

  10. #340
    FORT Fogey
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    So, so true Marley

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