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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #321
    Dude, where's my man ? Cocoanutzdude's Avatar
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    Airline Humour

    Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

    Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

    The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.."
    Cocoanutzdude : email josephschmoejr@bellsouth.net

  2. #322
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  3. #323
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    This is old but still good :)

    I got this again the other day...I love it...sorry for the >> things, I'm copying and pasting out of email.


    > >This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if
    > >he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he
    > >wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
    > >centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
    > >He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
    > >decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
    > >drink.
    > >So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
    > >Frank's with me and have a beer?"
    > >But there was no answer from his new pet.
    > >This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
    > >asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
    > >But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So
    > >he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to
    > >ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
    > >centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
    > >Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
    > >
    > >Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >WAIT!
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS (...POSSIBLY)
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >READY?!
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >A little voice came out of the box:
    > >"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***** shoes on."
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  4. #324
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    Did somebody say DENSA?

    I've also seen this before but it's making the rounds again.

    >> Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
    >> have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
    >> dozen nuggets "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
    >
    >> the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or
    >> twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I
    >> can order six?" "That's right."
    >> So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
    >> lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
    >> one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed
    >
    >> it between our things
    >> so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all
    >> of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over
    >> for the bar code
    >> so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to
    >> me, "Do you know how much this is?"
    >> I said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
    >> that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things
    >> and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
    >> floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
    >> what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
    >> and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
    >> using the ATM "thingy."
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
    >> you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
    >> replaced the battery to this remote door unlocked. Now I can't get
    >> into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
    >> store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.
    >> Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
    >> thingy" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As
    >> I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
    >> "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
    >> batteries. It's a long walk."
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
    >> she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
    >> typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
    >> secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
    >> blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
    >> five "blank" copies.
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> My neighbor works in the operations department
    >> in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call
    >> him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
    >> call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
    >> "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have
    >> a fire downtown?"
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect
    >> by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires
    >> to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying" was placed in the
    >> copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
    >> suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
    >> detector" was working,
    >> the suspect confessed.
    >>
    >> --------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >> "Life is tough. It's a lot tougher if you're stupid."
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  5. #325
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    Growing up in the 80's

    Not really a joke...but I'm guilty of at least half of these.

    > > 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE".
    > > 2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
    > > 3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (uh no)
    > > 4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish. (no - thank god!)
    > > 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
    >start a club of your own.
    > > 6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
    > > 7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom.
    > > 8. Two words: M.C. Hammer ()
    > > 9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock". (I not only watched it, I had this little happy dance I ran through the house doing when I heard the theme song)
    > > 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
    > > 11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (now it's stuck in my head...thanks)
    > > 12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to
    >watch cartoons.
    > > 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
    > > 14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big
    > >screen. (uhhh no)
    > > 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer
    class at school. (that's the lamest thing I've ever heard)
    > > 16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your
    >shirt in a knot on the side.
    > > 17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
    > > 18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
    > > 19. L.A. Gear...need I say more
    > > 20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
    > > 21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all
    >the Ramona books. Ramona completed in 1st grade.
    > > 22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
    > > 23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
    > > 24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
    > > 25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
    > >fell off...(not really)
    > > 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. (I thought she was incredibly lucky )
    > > 27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
    > > 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
    > > 29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
    > > 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
    > > 31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
    > > 32. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.
    > > 33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
    > > exchanged friendship bracelets.
    > > 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
    > > 35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know
    >you are,but what am I?" (most annoying phrase ever)
    > > 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
    > > 37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line
    > > skates.
    > > 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
    > > 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
    > > 40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
    > > 41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
    > > 42. You remember Popples.
    > > 43. "Don't worry, be happy"
    > > 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
    > >Reeboks.
    > > 45. You wore socks scrunched down.
    > > 46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
    > > 47. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
    > > 48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
    > > 49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
    > > 50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales"
    > > 51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
    > > 52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
    > > 53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool. (who me?)
    > > 54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on
    >"Saved By the Bell", the ORIGINAL class.
    > > 55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THRU THE HEART.
    > > 56. You just sang those words to yourself(didn't you)
    > > 57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
    > > 58.You cut your t-shirts in half and wore it with your homemade Levi
    > > shorts..(the shorter the better)
    > > 59. You remember when mullets were cool!
    > > 60. You had a mullet!
    > > 61. You still sing "We are the World"
    > > 62. You "Pegged" your pants ritually
    > > 63. You remember the very first time you ever saw MTV
    > > You're still singing shot through the heart in your head arent
    >you!!!
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  6. #326
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    s "shot thru the heart, and you're to blame...honey you give love a bad name..."
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  7. #327
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    Shake it like a poloroid picture Granny!

    Last one...promise...this is too cute not to share..and it will give you a new song to get stuck in your head.

    http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/..._grandmaaa.swf
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  8. #328
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Straight trippin, boo!

    She could put someone's eye out with those things!
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  9. #329
    FORT scientist astrogirl_2100's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BamaFabulous
    Not really a joke...but I'm guilty of at least half of these.
    A lot of these are early nineties, not eighties. But funny anyway

  10. #330
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by averagejane
    Straight trippin, boo!

    She could put someone's eye out with those things!
    I know...how funny is that. I've watched it 10 times today.

    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

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