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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #311
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

    The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

    He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

    Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  2. #312
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    I love that joke, Mav!

  3. #313
    Im just not that into you AmandaFabulous's Avatar
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    I thought this was cute.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Look, I love me most...If I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.

  4. #314
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
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    That's great Bama!!
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  5. #315
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Cute joke, Maveno.

  6. #316
    Are these spots becoming? chompstick's Avatar
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    I just got this in an email.

    Housekeeping Tips
    LADIES -You accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up.

    REAL WOMEN- If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    REAL WOMEN- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake You're probably sitting your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    REAL WOMEN- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    REAL WOMEN- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

    REAL WOMEN- Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofab*tch for you.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    REAL WOMEN- Sara Lee frozen freakin' pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    LADIES- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    REAL WOMEN- Go ask the very hot neighbor guy to do it.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    And finally the most important tip...
    LADIES- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    REAL WOMEN- Leftover wine??

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Remember -- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...BUT a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
    I support the right to arm bears.

  7. #317
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    OMG, chomp - I got that exact same email yesterday...check out my sig line
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  8. #318
    Are these spots becoming? chompstick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by averagejane
    OMG, chomp - I got that exact same email yesterday...check out my sig line
    What an odd coincidence!
    I support the right to arm bears.

  9. #319
    Dude, where's my man ? Cocoanutzdude's Avatar
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    Joke : Little boy learns a lesson....

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
    call her the Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call
    you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
    Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
    he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
    soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds
    his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the
    nanny's room.

    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
    sees his father in bed with the nanny.

    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
    Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
    what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the
    Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People
    are being ignored and the Future is in deep [mod edit]."
    Last edited by John; 05-06-2004 at 01:05 PM.
    Cocoanutzdude : email josephschmoejr@bellsouth.net

  10. #320
    Dude, where's my man ? Cocoanutzdude's Avatar
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    Joke : One fine car

    One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world's fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool $3 million.

    He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He's just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

    "Now THAT'S a car," the old guy says with awe. "What on earth did that cost you?"

    "Three million," the rich guy proclaimed. "And that was a steal. This here is the world's fastest commercial vehicle."

    "You're kidding!" the old guy scoffed. "How fast?"

    "350."

    The old guy's jaw dropped. "Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?"

    "Not at all," the rich guy said.

    The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. "That's a fine car," he said, nodding his head.

    Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.

    He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can't figure out what's going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. "But that's impossible," he thought to himself.

    Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.

    The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

    "Oh, my God!" the rich guy said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes," the old man responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
    Cocoanutzdude : email josephschmoejr@bellsouth.net

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