+ Reply to Thread
Page 31 of 154 FirstFirst ... 21222324252627282930313233343536373839404181131 ... LastLast
Results 301 to 310 of 1537
Like Tree207Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #301
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    By the beach mon!
    Posts
    1,191
    Q. How did the blonde get stuck in the tree?

    A. She was raking leaves.

  2. #302
    Choo-choo train. Citizen Kaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    By the beach mon!
    Posts
    1,191
    A married couple were on a long drive one day and they started to have an argument. A while went by without neither of them saying a word. Driving through the country, the husband looked to his right and saw a number of cows and donkeys. He turned to his wife and asked, "Are they your relatives?" The wife answered, "Yes, in-laws."

  3. #303
    I have a new love now JunkieGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Where the Thunder Rolls
    Posts
    2,336
    Hillbilly Mirror

    After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

    Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy,"

    He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

    Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

    As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly witch he's runnin' around with.”
    Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken

    Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

  4. #304
    I have a new love now JunkieGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Where the Thunder Rolls
    Posts
    2,336
    "Grandma's Boyfriend"

    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
    day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while
    grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma,
    how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
    Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I
    can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The
    TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so
    good. The comedies make me laugh.
    I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
    Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
    terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to
    get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started
    hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
    problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he
    hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's
    minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your
    grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but
    she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
    The minister fainted.
    Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken

    Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

  5. #305
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Aliso Viejo, CA
    Posts
    836


    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, and howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

    He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

  6. #306
    I have a new love now JunkieGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Where the Thunder Rolls
    Posts
    2,336
    Questions that have Confused humankind!!

    a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

    a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

    a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

    a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

    a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

    a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?

    a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

    a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

    a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

    a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
    Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken

    Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

  7. #307
    I have a new love now JunkieGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Where the Thunder Rolls
    Posts
    2,336
    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
    next to each other outside the operating room.
    The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in
    here for?"
    The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
    out and I'm a little nervous."
    The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
    about. I had that done when I was four. They put you
    to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
    Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
    The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The
    first kid says, "A Circumcision."
    The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had
    that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
    Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken

    Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

  8. #308
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Charming
    Posts
    9,353
    Things Women Would Like To Say At Work

    1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.
    2. You say I'm a b***h like it's a bad thing.
    3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
    4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
    5. Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.
    6. Do I look like a people person?
    7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
    8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
    9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
    10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
    11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
    12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
    13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
    14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
    15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
    16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
    17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
    18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
    19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
    22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
    23. You look like s**t. Is that the style now?
    24. Earth is full. Go home.
    25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
    26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
    27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
    28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
    29. If a**holes could fly, this place would be an airport.
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  9. #309
    FORT Fanatic VeeJay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Southern Illinois
    Age
    42
    Posts
    674
    Quote Originally Posted by averagejane
    Things Women Would Like To Say At Work

    1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.
    A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself. - Verbal Kint from the movie The Usual Suspects

  10. #310
    I have a new love now JunkieGirl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Where the Thunder Rolls
    Posts
    2,336

    This gave me a little giggle........



    Ted Koppel's voice really does make me bored and sleepy.

    (Except Darrell Hammond's spoof on SNL)
    Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken

    Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.