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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #21
    Old Timer tvjunkie's Avatar
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    Caught in the act

    A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

    The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

    The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

    The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
    Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

  2. #22
    agentcarver
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    LOL! [Doesn't this belong in the "Funnies" thread?]

  3. #23
    Princess
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    Have you seen this one before?

    This list is circulating among US Park Service employees. These are alleged to be comments on registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips.

    "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

    "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

    "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Park Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness."

    "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

    "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

    "All the mile markers are missing this year."

    "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

    "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

    "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

    "I was shocked at how steep the drop-offs are. Can't you put a safety net on the cliffs in case someone falls?"

    "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

    "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

    "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

    "Need more signs to inform the people to keep the area pristine."

    "A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead."

    "The places where trails do not exist are not well-marked."

  4. #24
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Yeah, I'll merge it in the Jokes thread...

  5. #25
    agentcarver
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    I rather like this exchange between Canadian and American Forces: (Note: This is from a reliable source on Anecdotes about Canada, but it may be an urban legend. It's still real funny, though, so I'm posting it here)

    Americans: "Attention. This is the USS Freedom*. We are nearing your location and request you displace yourself as you are the smaller craft. over"

    Canadians: "Negative, USS Freedom, we are unable to displace ourselves. Change your course, please. Over"

    Americans: "Attention, This is Commander [Name Witheld] of the US Navy. We are an Aircraft Carrier. It will be extremely difficult to alter our course. Could you please alter yours? Over"

    Canadians: "Negative, we are unable to alter our course. Please rectify yours or there will be a collision. Over"

    Americans: "Attention, we are getting into a collision zone. Why will you not alter your course? Over"

    Canadians: "Sir, are you aware who you are speaking to? Over"

    Americans: "Yes, we are speaking to a small Canadian Vessel. Over"

    Candians: "Negative. You are speaking to a small Canadian Lighthouse. Please correct your course. Over."

    *The name has been changed at the request of the American Armed Forces, at least that's what my source says.

  6. #26
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

    His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.

    The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."

    Rabbi Bernstein was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

    The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

    The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi looking quite dejected.

    "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

    Rabbi Bernstein answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  7. #27
    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
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    This woman was having an affair, and whenever her boyfriend came over, she would hide her young son in the bedroom closet. One day, the boyfriend was over and they were being intimate in the bedroom, and her husband came home. Quickly, she told her boyfriend to hide in the closet. The boyfriend did so, finding the son in there with him.
    "Boy, it sure is dark in here." commented the son.
    "Yes, yes it is." whispered the boyfriend.
    "Yeah, but I mean it's REALLY DARK!" said the son more loudly.
    "Yes it is, please be quiet." replied the boyfriend.
    "Want to by a baseball?" asked the son.

    The boyfriend bought the baseball from the lad for $25 on the condition that he be silent until the boyfriend could escape, which he was able to do several hours later.

    The following day the same thing happened - the husband came home early and the boyfriend sought refuge in the closet.

    "Boy it sure is dark in here." the son started again.
    "What is it this time?" asked the boyfriend.
    "Want to buy a baseball glove?" the son asked.
    "Okay, you little extorsionist, how much?" asked the boyfriend.
    This time it cost the boyfriend $50 to keep the son quiet and make his escape.

    Well, by now pangs of guilt are starting to eat away at the woman. Not only is she cheating on her husband, but she's setting a horrible example for her son. So she decides to take that lad to church and try to instill some morals in him before it's too late. She takes him to church and has him enter the confessional.

    "Boy it sure is dark in here" says the son.
    "Hey, don't start that sh*t in here!" replies the priest.

  8. #28
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Here is another one:



    SMART DOCTORS

    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
    everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
    workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  9. #29
    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
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    Cali! That is a great one!

  10. #30
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Sorry guys, but I'm on a men rant.

    Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.


    Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown
    Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?


    Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
    A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.


    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

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