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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #281
    FORT Fogey
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    *bump bump bump*

    I found this on the internet and thought it was cute


    Anyways, my real reason for bumping this up is that I've been in need of some funnies lately. Anyone?

  2. #282
    FORT Fanatic VeeJay's Avatar
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    Don't know if this has ever been posted here or not but today's the first time I heard it. I thought it was funny.

    Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

    Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

    Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
    A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself. - Verbal Kint from the movie The Usual Suspects

  3. #283
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Wayner's post about being on the band bus with the flute girls reminded me of this old gem. If you were in band, you'll be nodding your head I was a flute player, but I hung out with trombone and sax players, so I always considered myself a brass at heart Sorry, but I had to edit the trombone joke. It kinda crossed that PG-13 line.

    “What personality is your band instrument?”

    Flute- You like all that is cute: Bunnies, flowers, you know, pretty stuff. You are adorable and sweet and some may even refer to you as dainty, but you are annoyed by that probably and are too sweet to tell them to stop!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Clarinet- You are a par-tay animal. You love to have fun and laugh it up with friends or even laugh it up at your friends. When people think of you, the word boring never comes to mind.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Saxophone- You are insane, literally. You are a crazy person, and sometimes you're even (gasp) a little dirty! Someone needs to lock you up and throw the key to the next planet!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Trumpet- You are very competative. You always have to be better than everyone else around you at everything no matter what it is. You always think you know everything. Sorry but here's a hint: You don't!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Trombone-You are a dirty dirty person. You always have something perverted on your mind. Its ok, its just the nature of the instrument (*****, *** **** *** **** *** get longer). If you were laughing just now, then this is definately the right answer for you!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Baritone-You are shy, you don't like uncomfortable social situations. You definately don't like making new friends cause strangers frighten you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tuba- You like to boss people around. You are the control freak and you love everything your way. You are very serious and the only time you laugh is when someone is getting hurt (you sadistic freak!).

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Percussion- You are horny. There is no better term for it. I have nothing more to say.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  4. #284
    Rude and Abrasive Texicana's Avatar
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    Heh, I was a clarinet player, and that's so spot on, Star
    " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

  5. #285
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
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    Me too, Texie.

    Now we need someone to 'fess up to being a trombone player...
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  6. #286
    Never a dull moment! chrelsey's Avatar
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    Oh my! My daughter is in the marching band and plays clarinet. Her first boyfriend this year was a trombone player! I knew there was a reason I didn't like him!!!! (Thankfully they have since broken up!)
    I don't have OCD, I have CDO. It's like OCD except that the letters are in alphabetical order like they should be!

  7. #287
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    That's funny, Star. Unfortunately I was a flute player, but since I chose it only because I could carry it on the schoolbus without getting the dirty glares the bus driver always directed at those with larger instruments, I don't think it counts.
    I always *wanted* to play the sax, though.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  8. #288
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Oh! Stupid, stupid Stargazer! I phrased my intro up there until it seemed I was calling a saxophone a "brass" instrument. My profuse apologies to the sax players
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  9. #289
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A man and his young son were sitting at the counter in a diner,
    the man eating a sandwich, the son playing with a quarter.

    Suddenly the man noticed the son was no longer playing with the
    coin, and was starting to choke. The man yelled out, "My son
    just swallowed a quarter! Help!".

    A woman sitting at a nearby table, reading a newspaper, rushed
    over and grabbed the boy by the crotch, and squeezed harder and
    harder until finally the kid coughed up the quarter.

    The man thanked the woman profusely, and asked if she was a
    doctor, or nurse, or . . .

    The woman said, "A divorce lawyer.", and went back to reading
    her paper.

  10. #290
    should be studying...... ravs's Avatar
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    - can that be considered as sexual harrasment??
    I rather lurk than post.

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