+ Reply to Thread
Page 28 of 154 FirstFirst ... 18192021222324252627282930313233343536373878128 ... LastLast
Results 271 to 280 of 1537
Like Tree207Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #271
    Spiderman 2 - June 30 audiomaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Age
    28
    Posts
    2,219
    SG, that's a great list. I like the "You hear your favourite song on the elevator" and "6AM is the time you wake up, not the time you go to bed".


  2. #272
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Playing kickball for the beer
    Age
    38
    Posts
    8,870
    Good list, SG! Although I always did #24.
    Ok, here's something; supposedly they're from real high school essays:

    Analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just
    before he throws up.

    Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

    He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
    his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
    surcharge free ATM.

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal
    quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
    at 7 PM instead of 7:30.

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

    The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
    them in hot grease.

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    Even in his last years, grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
    just might work.

    Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
    something.

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

    Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
    gently compressed by a thigh master.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  3. #273
    Anarchist AJane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    Charming
    Posts
    9,353
    Lucy
    All my life, I have felt destiny tugging at my sleeve.~ Thursday Next
    I don't want to "go with the flow". The flow just washes you down the drain. I want to fight the flow.- Henry Rollins
    All this spiritual talk is great and everything...but at the end of the day, there's nothing like a pair of skinny jeans. - Jillian Michaels

  4. #274
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    On a Rocky Mountain High
    Age
    38
    Posts
    11,928
    Those were really funny, Lucy
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  5. #275
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Playing kickball for the beer
    Age
    38
    Posts
    8,870
    >You know you're living in 2004 when....
    >
    >1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave
    >
    >2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
    >
    >3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
    >
    >4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.
    >
    >5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
    don't
    >have e-mail addresses.
    >
    >6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
    phone in
    >a
    >business manner.
    >
    >7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
    get an
    >outside line.
    >
    >8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
    >different
    >companies.
    >
    >10. You learn you've been laid off on the 11:00 news.
    >
    >11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job..
    >
    >12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
    >long-service awards.
    >
    >13. You read this entire list and keep nodding and smiling.
    >
    >14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
    friends.
    >
    >15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore
    >except
    >to send you jokes from the net.
    >
    >16. You are too busy to notice that there was no number 9.
    >
    >17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number
    9.
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  6. #276
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Age
    43
    Posts
    1,306
    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy>
    7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to
    get an
    >outside line.

    I've actually done this. I dialed 9 , 1 then was about to start dialing the area code when I realized what I did and I hung up. Apparently just dialing 9, 1 connects you to 911 - d'oh! so I had a 911 operator asking me what my emergency was. I explained what I did and as soon as I hung up my local police dept. called up and I had to explain the whole thing to them.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  7. #277
    They're so cute! brenna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Posts
    354
    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy

    >6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
    phone in
    >a
    >business manner.
    I've done this. I worked at Mcdonald's for a year and a half, and on more than one occasion, I got home and answered the phone, 'hi, how may I help you?'
    It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

  8. #278
    Caged Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion Maveno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Santa Cruz, CA
    Posts
    7,837
    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

    I really like that one!! Thanks Lucy!
    All things beautiful do not have to be full of color to be noticed; in
    life that which is unnoticed has the most power.

  9. #279
    Leo
    Leo is offline
    Premium Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Posts
    10,033
    Here's something I picked up wandering about the Internet:

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:


    1. Buying a stronger whip.

    2. Changing riders.

    3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

    5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

    6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

    7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

    8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

    9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

    10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

    11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

    12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

    13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

    14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

    15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

    16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

    17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

    18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

    19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

    20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

    21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

    Aha! That's how my manager got to where he is.

  10. #280
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    spoiler-free zone
    Posts
    1,772
    So true. Thanks for posting this, Leo.
    7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

    10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.