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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #261
    Leo
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    In light of last week's events, the latest for Dummies book may not be a bestseller.


  2. #262
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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  3. #263
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    Four expectant fathers are in the waiting room of a maternity ward. The nurse comes in and tells the first, "Congratulations! You've got twins!"
    "What a coincidence!" he says "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
    Later she tellse the second man his wife has had triplets
    "Another coincidence!" he replies. "I work for 3M!"
    Soon, she tells the third he's the father of quadruplets.
    "Amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" he says.
    The fourth guy then faints.
    When he's revived, the others ask him what's wrong.
    He replies, "I work for 7-up!"

  4. #264
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    *WAY* too many of these applied to me

    25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:

    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator..
    6. You watch the Weather Channel.
    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
    19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and booze.
    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
    22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you..........and can't find a single one to save your sorry old a$$...
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  5. #265
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    Those are funny, and unfortunately most of them apply to me.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  6. #266
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    Quote Originally Posted by stargazer401

    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn't apply to you..........and can't find a single one to save your sorry old a$$...
    Aggghhhhh

  7. #267
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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    Gazer.

  8. #268
    FORT Fogey
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    None of them apply to me! I guess I'm your typical teenager cuz all the "old behavior" part of the examples applies to me as opposed to the new behavior!

  9. #269
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lil_Cutie
    None of them apply to me! I guess I'm your typical teenager cuz all the "old behavior" part of the examples applies to me as opposed to the new behavior!

    Enjoy it while you can Lil Cutie
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  10. #270
    FORT Fogey
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    You know it, FinallyHere! Gotta enjoy being a "carefree" college student for the next 3-5 years because once I graduate, I'll be out in the real world and will have to finally grow up! Aww, can't I stay young forever?

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