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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #251
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    How 'bout this: "If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bothering us."
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  2. #252
    Up Where They Belong SurvivorGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zaius
    SUCCESS:

    At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
    My sister didn't have much success at age 4.

  3. #253
    Premium Member glennajo's Avatar
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    I got this in an email and thought it was hilarious... and believable.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon".

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this...

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

  4. #254
    FORT Fogey
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    Wow overload of funny things!!! Goooood stuff, Very funny. I liked the things we'd love to say out loud because I am SO thinking them to myself every day.

  5. #255
    Up Where They Belong SurvivorGirl's Avatar
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    The Last Day of School

    Once upon a time, it was the last day of school and everyone was giving the teacher presents. One boy gave his present to the teacher, and the box was leaking. She asked what it was. She tasted the liquid that was leaking out of the box.

    "Wine?"

    "No. Try again."

    She tasted the liquid again. "Champagne?"

    "No."

    "I give up."

    The boy said, "It's a puppy!"

  6. #256
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
    A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.
    The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.
    "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

  7. #257
    FORT Fogey Marley's Avatar
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    A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

    "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

    The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

  8. #258
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
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    On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I`m too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I`m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

    Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

    For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

    Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

    She gasps...

    He whispers:

    "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

    ---------

    Disclaimer: I do not condone this kind of behavior in any way.
    Last edited by Zaius; 12-08-2003 at 02:33 AM.
    "The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
    -- Unknown

  9. #259
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
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    Here's some children jokes:

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

    -----------------------

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

    -----------------------

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
    hairs are white?"

    -----------------------

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
    "The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
    -- Unknown

  10. #260
    Spiderman 2 - June 30 audiomaster's Avatar
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    keep this thread alive with all the funny jokes. I will try one !
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