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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #241
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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    Sher!

  2. #242
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    Underwear Is Important
    Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

    From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
    On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

  3. #243
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    Wow, I had to dig this thread up from the depths. Here's a Monday morning funny. One of these is sure to make it into my sig line soon.

    (Edited for PG-13)


    THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD
    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of S***.

    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce and has one H*** of a description!

    3. How about never? Is never good for you?

    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public again.

    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

    10. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...

    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

    22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    23. Do I look like a people person to you?

    24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

    25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

    26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

    28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    30. Wait! Wait! Hold on......I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

    32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

    33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

    34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    35. Chaos, panic, & disorder! My work here is done.

  4. #244
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bumpkin
    Wow, I had to dig this thread up from the depths. Here's a Monday morning funny. One of these is sure to make it into my sig line soon.
    I 've seen that one many times. It always makes me laugh
    Last edited by FinallyHere; 11-24-2003 at 11:50 AM.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  5. #245
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    Number 13 should be tattooed on my forehead.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  6. #246
    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bumpkin
    3. How about never? Is never good for you?
    I've seen this, loved it, and love it again. The one above is by FAR my favorite. Frequently said around my office.

    Here's another:

    A magazine ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
    They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

    2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

    6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M corp.)

    7. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

    8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing exec., Citrix Corp.)

    9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping exec., FTD Florists)

    10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

    12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

    13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials, In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corp.)
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

  7. #247
    RESIDENT JEDI MASTER Stargazer's Avatar
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    The last guy should have won.
    "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."- Yoda

    "I'll just see where Providence takes me and try to look like I got there confidently." - Craig Ferguson

  8. #248
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
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    I've been known to throw #10 around. Unfortunately I have many opportunities to use it.

    Another one (not on the list) that I like to use is.

    "Poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part."
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  9. #249
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
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    SUCCESS:

    At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

    At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

    At age 16 success is . . . having a driver's license.

    At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

    At age 35 success is . . . having money.

    At age 50 success is . . . having money.

    At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

    At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

    At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

    At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
    Last edited by Zaius; 11-24-2003 at 01:24 PM.
    "The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
    -- Unknown

  10. #250
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    You guys and gals are so funny!

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