+ Reply to Thread
Page 24 of 153 FirstFirst ... 14151617181920212223242526272829303132333474124 ... LastLast
Results 231 to 240 of 1529
Like Tree181Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #231
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Dublin, OH
    Posts
    26,558

    Kentucky Cops

    Two men are driving through Kentucky when they get pulled over by a State Trooper.

    The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

    The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

    "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

    "You're in Kentucky Boy" the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

    "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

    The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back.

    The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

    The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

    "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

    "Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

    "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

    "Because I know," the trooper says, "that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

  2. #232
    FORT Fanatic VeeJay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Southern Illinois
    Age
    42
    Posts
    674
    Keep 'em comin' guys!
    A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself. - Verbal Kint from the movie The Usual Suspects

  3. #233
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    7,545
    Unkle Scott, that was FUNNY and true!

  4. #234
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    In the land of endless sunshine
    Age
    40
    Posts
    2,226
    Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacer asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say so."
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  5. #235
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Age
    42
    Posts
    1,306
    That was a good one Spegs. I've heard a lot of those Little Johnny jokes, but not that one.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  6. #236
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    dallas, fer sure
    Age
    43
    Posts
    8,552

    Why Men Are Just "Happier" People

    What do you expect from such 'simple' creatures!?

    Your last name stays put.

    The garage is all yours.

    Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    Chocolate is just another snack.

    You can be president.

    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the 'truth'.

    The world is your urinal.

    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

    Same work, more pay.

    Wrinkles add character.

    Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut,
    blister, or mangle your feet.

    One mood, ALL the time.

    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    You can open all your own jars.

    You get extra credit for the slightest act of 'thoughtfulness'.

    If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

    Everything on your face stays its original color.

    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    You almost never have 'strap' problems in public.

    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    You don't have to shave below your neck.

    Your belly usually hides your big hips.

    One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

    You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

  7. #237
    Premium Member FinallyHere's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Age
    42
    Posts
    1,306
    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    What do you expect from such 'simple' creatures!?
    Yeah, Its good to be a guy.
    Some people are like slinkies, they're useless until you push them down the stairs.

  8. #238
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    dallas, fer sure
    Age
    43
    Posts
    8,552
    Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

    Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
    Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry
    about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladiesl - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

    Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the cake for you.
    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over anything, so I don't do it.

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.

    ****************************** ****************************** *
    And finally the most important tip...

    Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    Real Women - Leftover wine??

    ****************************** ******************************
    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend
    will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun, when can we do it again!?!"

  9. #239
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    7,545
    Sher, FUNNY!

  10. #240
    FORT Fogey combatcutie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    hangin' with the girls drinking Cosmos
    Posts
    7,678
    Sher Good one

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.