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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #221
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Quote Originally Posted by unklescott
    You Live in California when...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    Ah so true... Except in my town, its you make over 2 million dollars and can't afford a house. In fact, a house just down the street from me is asking for 4.5 million

  2. #222
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Fantasy Land
    Holy crap! 4.5 MILLION??? Wow! I have a friend who lives in Cali. Her parents bought a house a long time ago and the value has now quadrupled or something. She told me that they want to move somewhere else because they would be extremely rich anywhere else.

  3. #223
    Ready? haejin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    New York City
    Quote Originally Posted by pinkieparrot
    Ah so true... Except in my town, its you make over 2 million dollars and can't afford a house. In fact, a house just down the street from me is asking for 4.5 million
    When I first moved with my parents (long, long time ago), they got the apartment for maybe $60,000. Now they say that the price (of what the apartment is worth) has tripled. It's tough to find low-cost housing on private property when you live in NYC.

  4. #224
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Oh and that 4.5 million dollar house isnt the lowest its been. I think that one of the most expensive houses was up the hill from me. I THINK it was asking for about 5.2 - 5.3 million, but didn't sell for nearly that much. I live in a VERY VERY VERRRRYYY well-off town (BTW, I don't live exactly in San Jose, just near enough) Our school systems are one the highest rated in the state and all of the houses are sooo nice. We have some seriously rich people here. Its sad, kinda, because nearly every kid at my school has like a Mercedes or a Porsche or a Mustang. And these are high school kids!!! yep
    Anyone got any jokes?

  5. #225
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Dublin, OH

    My Drug Problem

    I had a drug problem when I was young:

    I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
    I was drug to church for wedding and funerals.
    I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
    I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
    I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
    I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.

    Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place.

  6. #226
    Very clever, Unkle Scott!

  7. #227
    Leo is offline
    Premium Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    An economist gives advice to a suicidal man:

    Dear Economist,

    I do not know whom to turn to. A few months ago I discovered that my wife was having an affair with my boss. I lost both wife and job in quick succession. My wife also took the dog. As I cannot afford my mortgage repayments, I am about to lose my house as well. Betrayed and homeless, I feel very depressed. I have become so desperate as to consider taking my own life. Please help.

    -- A.W., Dulwich

    Dear A.W.,

    Don't do anything rash. You are on the verge of making a terrible mistake, albeit one often made by naive practitioners of cost- benefit analysis.

    Presumably you are contemplating suicide for the usual reason: a net-present-value calculation suggests that the future benefits of living are outweighed by the future costs. You will have considered the low probability that you will ever love again, the disadvantages of your poor credit record, and the difficulty of securing a new job, especially if applying from no fixed abode. While this cost-benefit analysis may appear to be a rational approach, it neglects advances in the field of real option theory.

    Many decisions are irreversible but can be postponed to gather new information. The quintessential example is that of exercising a stock option, which allows the purchase of a share at a particular price. It would seem to a naive investor that an option to buy a share for 5 should be exercised immediately the market price of the share climbs above that level. But this is a mistake: the share may climb much further, or may fall, so while the option remains open there is a value to holding on to it while more information comes in.

    Real option theory extends the idea beyond financial investments and into the real world. Apparently rational irreversible decisions to buy houses, build factories, or, indeed, to take one's own life, should often be postponed to gather more information. Your decision to kill yourself would deny you the opportunity to take advantage of any change of fortunes.

    The latest economic theory therefore strongly recommends that you postpone your suicide indefinitely. It may be hard to believe, but there is every chance that you will again find true love and a satisfying job.

  8. #228
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Leo! That's a hoot! Love it!

  9. #229
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    In the land of endless sunshine
    This comes under the heading of "it's funny because it's true"...

    From the "Losers of the week" segment in the Arizona Republic:

    Britney Spears

    If anyone can use a burqua makeover now it's Britney "Look-if-you-want-me-to-be-some -kind-of-sex-thing-that's-not-me" Spears, who told Esquire magazine she's not resorting to using innuendo to sell records. When it was explained to her what the word innuendo means, Spears replied, "Oh ,yeah. That. Oh, I do that all the time. I thought you just meant oral sex."
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  10. #230
    FORT Regular
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    These are great, you guys--thanks for the laughs! I'm sure a lot of you have already seen these church bulletin bloopers, but I laugh every time I read them.


    - Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

    - Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

    - At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    - Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

    - Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    - On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

    - For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    - Potluck supper Thursday night--prayer and medication to follow.

    - This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    - Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

    - The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    - Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

    - This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    - The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    - The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    - A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    - Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

    - Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

    - Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    - Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

    - Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    - "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

    - Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

    - Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    - The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

    - The sermon this morning: 'Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

    - Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    - Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

    - The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

    - The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    - Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

    - Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience."

    - Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    - Ushers will eat latecomers.

    - The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    - Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.

    - Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

    - Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    - The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
    basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    - A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

    - On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -Dr. Hargreaves is better.

    - The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    - During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

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