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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #211
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  2. #212
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Got this in the mail, thought it was cute:

    This was a serious memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went out to all the field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The word is that the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the last couple of sentences.)

    "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
    may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls buy examining the underside of the mouse.

    Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures will differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

    Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may by used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer. "

  3. #213
    FORT Fogey
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    Aw geez.. if I ever need a laugh I know to come here.. Thanks Unklescott that last one was good

  4. #214
    FORT Fogey
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    Oh that is great! I just love this thread!

  5. #215
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Two blondes were walking down a road. One blonde had a large bag over her shoulder.

    First blonde: What's in the bag?

    Second blonde: Chickens.

    First blonde: If I guess how many chickens you have in the bag, will you give me one?

    Second blonde: If you can guess how many chickens are in my bag, I will give you both of them!

    First blonde: Three?
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  6. #216
    FORT Fogey
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    Oh haha, spegs! That's blondes for ya!

  7. #217
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Where Do You Live?

    You Live in California when...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

    You Live in New York City when...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
    3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
    Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes
    you multi-lingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You Live in Alaska when...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You Live in the Deep South when...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
    4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

    You live in Colorado when...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at
    the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You live in the Midwest when...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
    different!"

    You live in Florida when...
    1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

  8. #218
    ~*Perfect Princess*~ Blazingorchidlv's Avatar
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    omgosh! how totally cute unkle!!
    I swear the alcohol is coming out my nose

    Ociffer...i swear to drunk i am not God...

  9. #219
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    i got this in an email and liked it, so i thought i'd share:

    A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

    Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

    "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

    "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

    "But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

    "That's true, but you have all the equipment."

    The officer says, "Have a nice day."

    Moral of the Story:
    Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

  10. #220
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

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