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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #201
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Foggy Doggy and UnkleScott,

    You guys always make me laugh. Thanks!

  2. #202
    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
    help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it
    started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger." Her
    boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and
    shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise
    You to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then" ...he sighed, "let's
    Put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

  3. #203
    ~*Perfect Princess*~ Blazingorchidlv's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bumpkin
    He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise
    You to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then" ...he sighed, "let's
    Put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
    HAHAHA!!!! I liked that...lol Good one bumpkin
    I swear the alcohol is coming out my nose

    Ociffer...i swear to drunk i am not God...

  4. #204
    ~*Perfect Princess*~ Blazingorchidlv's Avatar
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    Don't remember if I got this here...or from a friend..but here it is anyway:
    Three Italian Nuns In Heaven

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
    met by St. Peter.

    He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
    six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

    The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

    The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

    St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

    "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
    doesn't ring a bell."

    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
    Peter.

    He reads the paper and starts laughing.

    He hands it back to her and says....

    "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
    1,400 men in 6 months."

    I have another hysterical one...but it has some bad language...and stuff but if anyone wants it...lemme know and ill email or private message it to them.
    I swear the alcohol is coming out my nose

    Ociffer...i swear to drunk i am not God...

  5. #205
    Spiderman 2 - June 30 audiomaster's Avatar
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    I hope no one heard this before.
    Here goes:

    Three men rescued a genie from a bottle. The genie, in returning the favor for the three guys, allow them each a wish.

    One wish for a pool of alcohol. The genie immediately change one swimming pools into alcohol. The happy man dives in and enjoy the beer.

    Next guy wish for a pool of babes. The genie also granted him the wish and he was off with the babes.

    The last guy wanted for a pool of money. He was already on the run towards the swimming pool to retrieve his wish. As he runs towards the pool, he shouts to the genie, "I wish for a pool of..." He accidentally stepped on a banana peel and he shouted "Shit !!!"

    Morale of the story - Always wish for what you want, and remember accidents DO happen.

  6. #206
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    blazingorchid That's hilarious.
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  7. #207
    FORT Fogey
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    Oh these are just the funniest jokes. I really am liking them! Keep up the jokes and I'll keep laughing!

  8. #208
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    One day some girls were taking a "Boxers or Briefs" survey.

    They went to a 25 yr. old man and asked "Boxers or Briefs?"

    He said "briefs".

    They went to a 45 yr. old man and asked "Boxers or Briefs?"

    He said "boxers".

    They went to an 85 yr. old man and asked "Boxers or Briefs?"

    He said "Depends"

  9. #209
    FORT Fogey
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    Haha, Depends! Yes, of course, diapers for old people.

  10. #210
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    The Blonde Cook Book

    The Blonde Cook Book

    MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The
    recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
    to loan me some extra bowls.

    TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
    without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a
    friend home for supper.

    WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
    steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't
    say it improved the rice any.

    THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
    prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before
    serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around
    in the garden.

    FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients
    in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
    recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
    asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob
    keeps counting to ten before talking.

    SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could
    find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
    hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out
    hamburger, much to my disappointment.

    GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
    for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we
    could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
    Chocolate Moose.

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