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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #191
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    spoiler-free zone

  2. #192
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Fantasy Land
    Oh that was just kinda hard to follow Foggy Doggy, but it was good none the less! Hehe!

    I've got a joke, too, but it'll have to wait till tomarrow. I think you'll like this one. It's kinda dirty, but oh well.

  3. #193
    Foggy Doggy

    Humor : The old farmer

    An old farmer in North Carolina had owned a large farm for
    many years and had a large pond in the back, fixed up
    nicely; with picnic tables, horseshoe pitches, basketball
    court, etc.

    The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
    when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond
    to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
    laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
    bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
    to the deep end of the pond.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
    until you leave!"

    The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to
    watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond.
    I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Age and cunning will triumph over youth and
    enthusiasm every time.

  4. #194
    Foggy Doggy

    Hunor : The Hotel bill

    Hotel Bill...............

    Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use
    this logic!

    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
    almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
    they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
    room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
    the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

    The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
    $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
    insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the
    man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a
    huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to

    "But we didn't use them," the man complains.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and La Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
    didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
    pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
    "this check is only made out for $100."

    "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

  5. #195
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Fantasy Land
    FoggyDoggy, that brought the first smile to my face in awhile!

  6. #196
    Foggy Doggy
    Quote Originally Posted by Lil_Cutie
    FoggyDoggy, that brought the first smile to my face in awhile!
    Now why is that ? I'll bet you have a "lil cute" smile......you should smile more often.

  7. #197
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Fantasy Land
    Awww FG, that's so sweet! But I was feeling down, you see!

  8. #198
    Allez les Bleus! Zaius's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Los Angeles
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

    A Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis


  9. #199
    Foggy Doggy

    Onions & Christmas Trees

    Subject: Christmas Trees & Onions

    A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

    Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son. We wouldn't be normal
    if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts, depending on a woman's age
    -- in her 20s a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm; in
    her 30s & 40s they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit; and after
    50 they are like onions..."

    "Onions, Dad?"

    "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry!"

    Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of
    penises are there?"

    The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a
    man goes through three phases -- in a man's 20s a man's penis is like
    an oak, mighty and hard; in his 30s & 40s it is like a birch, flexible but
    reliable; and after 50 it is like a Christmas tree."

    "A Christmas tree?"

    "Yep, dried up, and the balls are only there for decoration!"

  10. #200
    Foggy Doggy

    Humor : Clocks in Heaven

    St Peter and the Newcomer

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
    Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
    Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

    "That's MotherTeresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
    never told a lie."

    "Incredible," said the man.

    "And whose clock is that one?"

    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
    moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire

    "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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