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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #11
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Modesty! That's great.

  2. #12
    Princess
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    Another one...

    A maid who seemed to enjoy her work gave notice one day without warning.
    "Why do you wish to leave?" the lady of the house asked her. "Is anything wrong?"
    "I just can't stand the suspense in this house a minute more," the maid replied.
    "Suspense? What do you mean?"
    "It's the sign over my be that says: 'Watch ye, for ye know not when the master cometh.' "

  3. #13
    On ice duckgirl's Avatar
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    Earing points with your wife/girlfriend:

    Simple Duties

    You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car: +1
    You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to get it to the nearest gas station: -1
    You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb: +1
    You take out the recyclables at 4:30 A.M., just as the truck pulls away: -1
    You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish: +1
    You leave the dishes in the sink: -1
    You leave the dishes under the bed: -5
    You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
    But return with beer: -5
    You leave the toilet seat up: -1
    You leave the toilet seat down: 0
    You leave the toilet seat wet: -3
    You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty: 0
    When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
    When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom: -2
    You make the bed: +1
    You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
    You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
    You pummel it with a six iron: +10
    It's her father: -10


    Social Engagements
    Every once and a while, you are going to go out together. There are a couple things you have to watch out for, especially if you are in front of other people!

    You stay by her side the entire party: 0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
    Named Tiffany: -4
    Tiffany is a dancer: -6
    Tiffany has implants: -8
    When mingling, you hold your mate's hand a gaze lovingly: +1
    When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump: -5
    When you mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you.": +1
    When you mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's terrible in bed." -6
    That woman is her sister: -90
    You have one drink,and that's it: +1
    You have more than a few and perform a tango with a poodle: -2
    You have lots of drinks... and vaguely remember being fingerprinted: -25
    You have lots of drinks... and vaguely remember being tatooed: -50
    Your tatoo matches hers: +25


    The Pig Factor
    Sometimes men are pigs. But maybe it would be better to be them among other men...

    Belching: -4
    Flatulence: -8
    Either, in public: -12
    Both, in bed: -18


    Things of a Disgusting Nature
    We don't like doing them either, but it's our job. (Don't ask us why or how we got these duties.)

    You unclog a stopped-up toilet: +6
    You clean up cat, dog or human vomit: +7
    You get rid of a dead rodent, a nest of spiders or a nest of dead rodents: +8
    You remove the collie from the thresher: +12
    You take her mother to see Cats: +16


    Saturday Afternoons
    It's the weekend and you're going out after a long week. No more worries, right? Wrong!

    You go to the mall together: +3
    You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car: +4
    You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, the drive to a sports bar: -2
    You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it: +3
    You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional: 0
    You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk: +3
    Most of it chips and beer: -6
    You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den: +15
    Or refinishing the floors: +16
    Or rewiring the basement: +17
    Or adding a second floor: +18
    Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the basement bathroom: -6
    And you're tickled pink about it: -15
    You visit her parents: +1
    You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
    You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
    And the television is off: -6
    You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
    And you didn't even go to college: -10
    And it's not really your underwear: -15


    Her Birthday
    Let's start by assuming you don't forget her birthday(that would be bad). You would think that would be enough but no...

    You take her out to dinner: 0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
    Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
    You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player: +3
    You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing: +4
    And you stink: +2
    And you're not half bad: +5
    You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song and you're escorted out, to much applause: -2
    You give her a gift: 0
    You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
    You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
    You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
    You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
    You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
    With her credit card: -30
    And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40


    Thoughtfulness
    Sometimes you just forget... but unless you're in the hospital with flowers, you're in trouble!

    You forget her birthday completely: -10
    You forget your anniversary: -20
    You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
    Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
    And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50


    A Night Out with Your Pals
    No matter what you do here, you're gonna lose points. So you had better make it worth it!

    Go out with a pal: -5
    And the pal is happily married: -4
    Or frighteningly single: -7
    And he drives a Trans Am: -10
    With a personalized license plate(GR8 N BED): -15
    You have a few beers: -9
    For every beer after three: -2
    And miss curfew by an hour: -12
    You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
    You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
    And not wearing any pants: -40
    Is that lipstick?: -60
    Is that a tattoo?: -200


    Her Night Out
    She needs to go out with her friends too, but don't fret! Here's where you make up that night at the strip club with the lipstick on your collar!

    You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends: +5
    She goes out with her annoying work friends and she comes home late: +10
    You wait up: +15
    She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed: +20
    She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom: +25
    Which you clean up: +35


    A Night at Home, Just the Two of You
    There will be many of these over your life together, but that makes them no less important!

    You watch TV together: 0
    You rent a movie: +1
    You remember the popcorn: +1
    You rent a movie and its Sense and Sensibility: +3
    Its Sense and Sensibility and you stay awake throughout: +5
    Its Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep: -1
    Its Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool on the couch: -2


    A Night Out, Just the Two of You
    First of, remember you do not need a special occasion to go out. Then remember to try to make them all special.

    You take her to a movie: +2
    You take her to a movie she likes: +4
    You take her to a movie you hate: +6
    You take her to a movie you like: -1
    And its called Deathcop 3: -7
    Which features robots having sex: -9
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs: -15
    You go to a club: 0
    To see a folk singer: +5
    You hate this folk singer: +10
    You hate this folk singer, but you sit through it all: +15
    You sit through it all, and even pretend to cry: +17
    You buy the folksinger's CD and play it now and then, just to look sensitive: +25
    God, you hate this folksinger: +30
    You go see a comic: +2
    He's crude and sexist: -2
    You laugh: -5
    You laugh too much: -10
    She's not laughing: -15
    You laugh harder: -25


    Attitude
    You think she loves all of you? Well... maybe not all of you.

    Sarcasm: -15
    Sincerity: +15


    Flowers
    When in doubt... Coming home late? Didn't kiss her goodbye that morning? Flowers can work wonders.

    You buy her flower only when it's expected(birthdays, anniversaries, etc...): 0
    You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it: +5
    You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself: +10
    And she contracts Lyme disease: -25


    Your Physique
    Do you think she is more concerned with her physique than yours? You're probably right, but you can't get off that easy. Do you want to see an out-of-shape man in the mirror? Neither does she

    You develop a noticeable potbelly: -15
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and start running to get rid of it: +10
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose-fit jeans and baggy, wide Hawaiin shirts: -5


    Grooming
    Sometimes you take these for granted, and that's okay. Well, that's okay as long as you don't forget.

    You trim your nails: +5
    You trim your nails in the living room: -10
    You trim your nails in the living room and flick them at the cat: -15
    You shave on the weekends: +2
    You don't shave on the weekends: -4
    You don't bathe on the weekends either: -8
    But then, neither does she: +8


    Finances
    Money problems are the cause of most relational strife, so always keep in mind this is a dangerous area!

    You spend a lot of money on something impractical: -5
    You spend a lot of money on something impractical that she can't even use: -10
    Such as motorized model airplanes: -20
    And your kid needs braces: -30
    In fact, all four of them do: -120


    Driving
    We know when we are behind the wheel, we are Kings of the Highways and all shall bow before our mastery of the automobile... We just wish she knew that too...

    You let her choose the radio station: +1
    You lose the directions on a trip: -5
    You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
    You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
    You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
    She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60


    Eating*
    Something as innocent as eating? She can't be looking at that too, can she? Yep, she can.

    Chewing: -1
    Crunching: -1
    Slurping: -1
    Particle ejecting: -2
    * Points double if performed with an open mouth


    The Question
    If she asks this, you're immediately in trouble. But if you're careful, you can emerge unscathed... maybe.

    She asks, "Do I look fat?": -5
    You say, immediately, "Not at all, honey! You look beautiful.": +5
    (You can only break even with this question)
    You hesitate in responding: -10
    You look at her while hesitating: -15
    You reply, "Where?": -25


    Communication
    The cornerstone of any relationship is communication, so if you neglect this, you might as well start buying instant noodles and cereal.

    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
    When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
    You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
    She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10


    Sex
    Wait a minute... This is what I was being so careful for, I don't have to worry about this too, do I? Only if you want to ever get the chance again.

    You perform cunnilingus: +10
    You plead for fellatio: -15
    You finish before she does: -15
    It takes longer to say "Sex.": -30
    When you finish, you cuddle with her as you both drift off into sleep: +15
    You get up to get a drink of water: -7
    You ask her if she would like one: +4
    You roll over and fall asleep: -15
    And you snore: -25

  4. #14
    Princess
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    One more...

    A salesman stopped at a small-town hotel ad had difficulty getting a room.
    He was about to leave when the clerk said, "I think I may be able to put you up. There are two beds up in room ten and one is occupied by a woman. But there is a screen around her bed, and she is sleeping soundly. Just go to your be quietly and everything will be fine."
    The offer was quickly accepted. About twenty minutes later the salesman returned, greatly excited.
    "Good heavens!" he cried. "The woman in the other bed is dead!"
    "I know that," said the clerk, "but how the hell did you find out?"

  5. #15
    Princess
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    Ducky!!! I hadn't seen those before!

  6. #16
    agentcarver
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    I've got a musician's traffic ticket:

    TRUMPET PLAYERS
    Forgetting Mouthpiece-$50
    Losing Mouthpiece-$5000
    Denting Horn-$10 000
    Mixing up Valves-$500
    Failure to "Swing" at director's request-$100
    Really Bad Taste-$500
    Having lewd thoughts about trombones-$250

  7. #17
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Ducky! Whew, that's hilarious. !

  8. #18
    agentcarver
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    If anything's Hilarious, it's your Fat Penguin, Kylie!

  9. #19
    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Agent, thanks. It's actually the pick-up-line my boyfriend used on me the first time we met. I love it.

  10. #20
    agentcarver
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    Congrats... Whatever happened to the bad pick-up line thread?

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