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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #161
    Trust No One Mr_Trick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by senrik
    my wife never looks bad.
    Mine did, every day... Thats why I drank so much... LOL.. To ease the pain...

  2. #162
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by senrik
    my wife never looks bad.
    Good answer senrik
    "Among the blind, the squinter rules." ~ Gerard Didier Erasmus

  3. #163
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    OMG, I never would have guessed who that was in the beginning.

  4. #164
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by senrik
    my wife never looks bad.
    Then you, my friend, are a lucky man.

    I wouldn't know anything about that since I've never been married. Hmm... wonder why?
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

    Welcome Zelda (and a hot of other names)! (Born 08/08/2005, adopted 10/08/2005)

    Also welcome Shasta! (Born ?/?/2004, Adopted 03/??/07)

  5. #165
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Quick Thinking

    A college professor reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
    A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
    The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
    When silence is restored, the professor smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

  6. #166
    Don't Panic senrik's Avatar
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    seeing a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at the art show, he demanded of her "Did you really pose for that?"

    "Don't be rediculous," she replied "Of course not..... he painted it from memory."
    "The purpose of the new capitalism is to shoot the wounded." ~ Andy Grove, Chairman, Intel Corporation

  7. #167
    Foggy Doggy
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    Humor : You think you have a bad job ?

    Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

    Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

    She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless
    to say, she won.

    Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

    In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
    other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

    As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

    Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."


  8. #168
    Don't Panic senrik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy Doggy
    Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

    Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

    She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless
    to say, she won.

    Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

    In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
    other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

    As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

    Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

    I've had a bad day.... this is exactly what i needed.
    "The purpose of the new capitalism is to shoot the wounded." ~ Andy Grove, Chairman, Intel Corporation

  9. #169
    FORT Fogey
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    OMG! That's great! I'll have to remember that. senrik, that's just hilarious.

  10. #170
    FORT Fogey
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    I will never complain about a job again. Hahaha. Oh I just say that. But still, nothing's as bad as that.

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