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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #151
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    The Vet

    Fred takes his dog to the vet because the dog hasn't been feeling well.
    He first asks the vet how much the office visit will be beacuse he is a little short on money.
    The vet replies: "It will be $65."
    Fred tells the vet that is reasonable so they begin the exam.
    The dog is placed on the table and the vet does a very thorough exam on the dog. He tells Fred "Your dog appears to be fine. Heart, lungs sound good, no lumps or anything, strong teeth," etc.
    Fred insists there is something wrong with the dog. "You know doc, I really believe there is something wrong here. He doesn't eat, just lays around the house. He's just not himself."
    The vet tells Fred "If you want, I can have my dog come in and check him out."
    Fred looks at the vet all weird. "Yeah, right doc." The tells him "No, really my dog is pretty good at sensing if there is something wrong with another dog." So Fred figures why not and tells the vet O.K.
    The vets dog comes in, a beautifuk black lab, and walks around Fred's dog, sniffing and they're barking at each other. The vet leans down as the lab barks in his ear and then the vet lets him out of the room.
    "He says there is nothing wrong with your dog. How about if my cat takes a look at him too, you know a second opinion." At this point Fred just gives in and tells him to go ahead.
    The vets cat comes in and it's just like the vets dog. He walks around, sniffs the dog, meows at the dog, the dog barks back, the vet leans down as the cat meows in his ear and the vet lets him out of the room.
    "My cat says your dog is fine, no problems"
    By now Fred just wants to get out of this place. So he opens his wallet and gives the vet $65. The vet says the bill is now $665. Fred asks why so much and the vet replies:
    "$65 for the office visit, $300 for the lab work and another $300 for the cat scan."

  2. #152
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    Timeless advice, and very appropriate to most office jobs. Reminds me of that movie "Office Space".
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

    Welcome Zelda (and a hot of other names)! (Born 08/08/2005, adopted 10/08/2005)

    Also welcome Shasta! (Born ?/?/2004, Adopted 03/??/07)

  3. #153
    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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  4. #154
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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  5. #155
    FORT Fogey
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    Great jokes! I just love this thread!

  6. #156
    foolhardy comrade Moon Skin Child's Avatar
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    An old man was on a bus. A young punk gets on. He sits right across from the old man. The young punk had a multicolored mohawk, leather clothes with brightly colored feathers on them, and had piercing with feathers on them. The old man had been staring at him for a few minutes when he said, "What? Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man smiled and replied, "Yes. During the first Gulf War, I f*cked a parrot, and I was wondering if you were my son."

    A blind man walks into a bar and gets a beer. After a few minutes of sipping it, he says to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
    The bartender said, "Sir, I'm blonde, 6'3", a former bodybulider, I have a bad temper, and I'm easily offended. The man to your left is blonde, and bigger and meaner than I am. The woman to your right is blonde and an ex-wrestler. I don't suggest you tell the joke, but if you feel you must, go ahead."
    The blind man replied, "Nah, I don't feel like explaining it 3 times."

    Those are just a few of my jokes.
    I was in love with a difficult man.

  7. #157
    Foggy Doggy
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    Humor : What beer will do for a straight guy


  8. #158
    The Lost Prophet CashMoneySoviet's Avatar
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    Lol! Thats pretty good!

  9. #159
    So Far Away Yellow Apple's Avatar
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    I've seen that before. Actually, it reminds me of something this one guy I used to work with told me. He's married, and he told me one time: "Here's how you know when you've had enough to drink. Take two pictures of your wife/girlfriend. One when she's all made up and looks good, and the other when she has no makeup on and doesn't look so good. Lay them both on the bar and drink until she looks hot in both pictures. Then you know you've had enough to drink."
    R.I.P Willie Dog (?/?/1989-12/17/2004). Gone but never forgotten.

    Welcome Zelda (and a hot of other names)! (Born 08/08/2005, adopted 10/08/2005)

    Also welcome Shasta! (Born ?/?/2004, Adopted 03/??/07)

  10. #160
    Don't Panic senrik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yellow Apple
    I've seen that before. Actually, it reminds me of something this one guy I used to work with told me. He's married, and he told me one time: "Here's how you know when you've had enough to drink. Take two pictures of your wife/girlfriend. One when she's all made up and looks good, and the other when she has no makeup on and doesn't look so good. Lay them both on the bar and drink until she looks hot in both pictures. Then you know you've had enough to drink."
    my wife never looks bad.
    "The purpose of the new capitalism is to shoot the wounded." ~ Andy Grove, Chairman, Intel Corporation

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