The Italian and Golf...................
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Brilliant, JK! Do you happen to know where that is?
Oh, thanks JK! I'll have to print that one out for my husband! Do they have another one that says, "When you hear ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding....... you should disengage the turn indicator?" He needs one of those too.
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the
father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The
next day, the grandfather died. About a month or two later, the
father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy.
God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother
died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried
about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once
again overheard his son's prayers, "God Bless Mommy. Goodbye
Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He
didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he
would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a
very bad day at work today." His wife replied, "YOU HAD A BAD
DAY!? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was very proud of himself. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, and told him it was wonderful - and she drank it all anyway.
As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, “Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know, Grandma, it’s like on TV: ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
I saw this while looking for something else on Google and it cracked me up.
Well, I guess the cat wasn't missing after all...just hiding. LOLOL!