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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1511
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Chuck Norris visited The Virgin Islands. Now they're just called The Islands.
    Eastcoastmom likes this.
    Count your blessings!

  2. #1512
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

    Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

    Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

    He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

    "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

    The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

  3. #1513
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Just some nonsense that I made up the other day . . .

    My brothers and I would play Wild Kingdom. Somehow I always ended up being the wild animal that had to be shot in the butt with the tranquilizer dart gun, aka the BB gun. On the rare occasion that I was allowed to play the role of Jim Fowler, it was when the pack of rabid hyenas (special appearance by my brothers and their friends) would attack the tranquilized antelope (special guest appearance by a very tolerant dog) as I was examining it.

    My brother Dan usually played the part of Marlin Perkins since he was the only brother who could grow a mustache. He came up with a lot of the scenarios, including the memorable day when I was cast as a predator. I was to be a lion (WOW! Really? ME? COOL!!) who was to stalk and then attack a wildebeest, played not by a tolerant dog, but the much more realistic bull next door. I was assured that it was perfectly safe, and everything went according to plan except one thing--the bull was too lazy to run. During a hasty conference, it was decided we'd try again and that as I got close to the bull, Jim Fowler (aka brother Harlan) would throw a rock and hit the bull in the butt. I don't know what Harlan's best sport was, but it sure as hell wasn't baseball. The throw was low and inside, hitting the bull in the testicles. The bull whipped around, and was now HIGHLY motivated to run at the first thing he saw, which happened to be ME. The bull was getting closer and closer, Dan, still in character was yelling "SHOOT HIM WITH THE TRANQUILIZER!" and Harlan, who was laughing so hard he wet himself, was saying "SHOOT WHICH ONE?"

    I was running like hell, screaming at the top of my lungs. the bull was bellowing, and Harlan was still was wetting himself. Thank God that Mom happened to glance out the window and saw what was happening. The next thing I knew, Mom was bellowing and running like hell toward the bull, the bull was screaming at the top of his lungs, and Harlan and Dan looked on dumbfounded as Mom caught the bull and wrestled it to the ground. She sent me inside for clean underwear, and gave Dan and Harlan "the LOOK." Neither one dared show up at the house for three days, and then only after they were sure Mom was out shopping.
    inthegarden likes this.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  4. #1514
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I always knew it, from the time I was a little bitty girl.....boys are just different.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #1515
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
    tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
    tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
    garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
    BODIES.
    Love Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
    up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
    man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
    the circumstances.

    Love, Vinnie

  6. #1516
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

    He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she".
    prhoshay, pikachu, Brooks and 1 others like this.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  7. #1517
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Too funny!
    Count your blessings!

  8. #1518
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Funeral:

    An Italian woman was leaving an outdoor cafe with her morning cappuccino and newspaper when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind her were 200 other women walking single file.

    The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "Mi scusi, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

    "What happened to him?"

    The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

    She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

    The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

    "Maam, could I borrow that dog?"

    "Get in line."
    Jamie5632 and JohnnyK like this.

  9. #1519
    Mr. (Not so) Perfect Bouncing Balls Champion
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    CantGetNuf and Eastcoastmom like this.

  10. #1520
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Moms!


    Things we never knew about ourselves?

    WHY GOD MADE MOMS
    Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.


    What kind of a little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.


    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


    Why did your mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


    What does your mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


    What would it take to make your mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



    WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS & your KIDS....and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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