+ Reply to Thread
Page 151 of 154 FirstFirst ... 51101141142143144145146147148149150151152153154 LastLast
Results 1,501 to 1,510 of 1540
Like Tree220Likes

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1501
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Right Here, Right Now
    Posts
    25,319

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Family is family, no matter how you come by it! That's quite a family tree you have there!
    Newfherder likes this.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  2. #1502
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Nap Time
    Posts
    13,232

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sounds like a Harry Lauder's walking stick family tree to me!

    https://www.google.com/search?q=harr...w=1433&bih=704
    Count your blessings!

  3. #1503
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Enchanted by a beautiful Soprano
    Posts
    3,163

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter View Post
    Sounds like a Harry Lauder's walking stick family tree to me!

    https://www.google.com/search?q=harr...w=1433&bih=704
    Maybe a little . . .
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  4. #1504
    Mr. (Not so) Perfect Bouncing Balls Champion
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Age
    21
    Posts
    7,834

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

    Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets all the information he needs.

    Chuck Norris is not necessarily a good shot. His bullets just know better than to miss.

    When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

    Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

    Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

    Chuck Norris can set fire to ants using a magnifying glass. At night.

    Chuck Norris can lick his elbow and sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays chip.

    Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

    Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move.

    Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

    Chuck Norris was born in the house he himself built.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris can watch 60 minutes in half an hour.

    Chuck Norris can win Connect 4 in three moves.

    Chuck Norris once won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

    Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris abducts aliens.
    Last edited by JohnnyK; 01-05-2014 at 06:04 AM.
    Kip likes this.

  5. #1505
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Nap Time
    Posts
    13,232

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OK - I was wrong... I hadn't heard them all.
    Count your blessings!

  6. #1506
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Right Here, Right Now
    Posts
    25,319

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    When did this tangent begin and why? First I've ever heard of it. Clever, I'll admit.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #1507
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Nap Time
    Posts
    13,232

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This goes way back... there's even a poster of them at Wal-Mart.
    Amazon.com: chuck norris joke book: Books
    On a hunch, I searched Amazon... MANY BOOKS!
    Count your blessings!

  8. #1508
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Eastcoastmom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    3,009

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

    “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

    “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

    The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

    Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

    “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

    “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

    “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

    “Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

    “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

    “Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

    “I put drops in her eyes.” !!
    Ellen likes this.

  9. #1509
    Mr. (Not so) Perfect Bouncing Balls Champion
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Age
    21
    Posts
    7,834

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word "hunting" implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

    The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

    Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris once climbed Mount Everest in 20 minutes. The first 10 of which was spent building a snowman on the bottom.

    Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

    Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

    Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it, too.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

    The grass is always greener on the other side... unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

    Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

    Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at a McDonalds, and got one.

    Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may have just seconds to live.

    Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.

    Chuck Norris invented black.

    Chuck Norris hates Raymond.

  10. #1510
    Mr. (Not so) Perfect Bouncing Balls Champion
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Age
    21
    Posts
    7,834

    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A cop pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. The cop was lucky to get let off with a warning.
    Last edited by JohnnyK; 01-06-2014 at 11:38 PM.

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.