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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1491
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Dear Diary,

    Sunday evening, and I’ve been cooking all week! It's fun to cook for my husband Tom, though I think I still have some things to learn.

    Monday Tom asked for salad, and I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, and lay on a bed of lettuce for one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

    Tuesday I made angel food cake. The recipe said to beat twelve eggs separately, and the neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls in order to do this.

    Wednesday I decided to make a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing, so that’s what I did. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home!

    Thursday seemed like a good day for Chinese. The recipe on the rice packet said wash thoroughly before steaming. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. Can't say it improved the rice any.

    Friday Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius! I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

    I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe, though, because when I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    Tom did the shopping Saturday and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I told him I don't have any clothes that would fit it. For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

    Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out another new recipe on Tom. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate mousse. On second thought, maybe I should wait a while. He is still grumbling about that marble cake I baked two weeks ago. Maybe I should have ground up the marbles.

  2. #1492
    Red Sox Nation Brooks's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    2013 Darwin Awards...

    Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here Is The Glorious Winner:
    1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And Now, The Honorable Mentions:
    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
    6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.
    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

  3. #1493
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I've heard some of those before. They must be recycling some Darwin Award stories from past years.

  4. #1494
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    My daughter just sent me a picture of the sign on the door of the local Rod and Gun Club... "Warning - microwave in use". I don't know why, but that struck us both as funny.
    Shoepie likes this.
    Count your blessings!

  5. #1495
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter View Post
    My daughter just sent me a picture of the sign on the door of the local Rod and Gun Club... "Warning - microwave in use". I don't know why, but that struck us both as funny.
    ?????
    Warning for bad food?
    I find it funny — but no clue as to the reason for the sign?
    Last edited by Ellen; 12-24-2013 at 05:58 PM.
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  6. #1496
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Used to be you saw those signs everywhere a microwave was being used in public. People with pacemakers were supposed to avoid being around a microwave in use. Or at least that was what I was told at the time. Probably whatever was causing them to put up a warning stopped being a problem.
    "You better watch your mouth sunshine."-Daryl Dixon

  7. #1497
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Yes - the warning is for people with pacemakers, but we thought it was funny that it was posted on a Rod and Gun Club because you would think guns would be more of a threat. I guess we just both have the same sense of humor.
    Ellen, CantGetNuf and inthegarden like this.
    Count your blessings!

  8. #1498
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    So there I was at the register, and a customer was buying blocks of paraffin. I asked what she used them for, and she explained that she used the paraffin along with lint to make fire starters. I started to reach for my belly button and asked if she needed any extra lint.

    She did not.
    Ellen and inthegarden like this.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  9. #1499
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Heh. We used to make those in Girl Scouts... in egg cartons with dryer lint and a birthday candle for a wick.
    Count your blessings!

  10. #1500
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I am delighted to announce that I now have a grandmother It's a little complicated but I'm pretty sure that the genealogy works like this

    Karen, my late fiancee's daughter, became my inherited daughter on Vicky's death. Karen has two cats, Kip and KJ I have been their foster daddy for several years now, a role that I am happy to take on. Since Karen refers to Kip and KJ as "her boys," they must be her sons, and half-brothers to Caleb, my inherited grandson. Lately, Kip has been treating me like he does KJ, who is Kip's actual son, so it is clear to me that Kip has adopted me That makes him my adoptive father, and his mother, Karen, must therefore be my adoptive grandmother. So my inherited daughter is also my adoptive grandmother, and my inherited grandson is my uncle. Josey, my Newf is my baby girl, so I guess that means that Karen is Josey's great-grandmother; Caleb and KJ are her great uncles, and Kip is her grandfather.

    This also has brought up the question of whether I would have been marrying my great grandmother had Vicky lived The answer is no. Karen becoming my grandmother was predicated on Kip adopting me, and while Vicky was alive, both cats ignored me completely.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

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