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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #141
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
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    Thanks FD, Unklescott, CMS and Taz.


    The Great Writer:

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

  2. #142
    FORT Fogey
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    OMG! That is sooo funny! Well, it's funny because that's just exactly how it is. Ahhh error messages! They're the work of something evil, I'll tell ya! Great jokes everyone!

  3. #143
    I have a dream too! Sepialove's Avatar
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    No Parking Zone

    Since today is Sunday, I got this one off of my Christian Jokes newsletter.
    *It's an oldie, but a goodie *

    No-Parking Zone

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
    Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God

  4. #144
    Foxxy Girl Missin Dave's Avatar
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    this was so stupid it was funny....
    Q:What did the fish say when he ran into the underwater wall?





    A:"Damn!"
    Missin Dave

  5. #145
    can i have your heart? unexplained's Avatar
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    Sepialove,
    You select the person you want to be with, and then you let that person have the opportunity to select you. -Shayla

    "The mind is its own place, and in it, self can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n." -John Milton, Paradise Lost.

  6. #146
    FORT Fogey
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    Lol, missin dave, that was so dumb that it was funny! I also didn't get it at first right away either.

    Nice one sepialove!

  7. #147
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    No offense intended to anyone on this!

    I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!

    Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
    The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
    That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do
    what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

  8. #148
    FORT Fogey
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    I can't remember if someone has posted this one and I dont feel like checking so... Again, no offense intended in this joke...

    Three men were stranded on a desert island, a white guy, a black guy, and a chinese guy. The white guy said, "Okay, well, we need to set up camp or something." He told the black guy to go find shelter, the Chinese guy to find supplies and he decided to find food. They all set out into the forest. About an hour later, the white guy and the black guy met up back at the beach with the food and shelter. But the Chinese guy was not to be found. They went back into the forest to find him. They were passing a tree when the Chinese guy jumped out at them and yelled "Supliiies!!!"


  9. #149
    FORT Fogey
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    Here's one. This isn't meant to be offensive either. It's also dirty as well. I hope it's ok. If it's not, PM me and let me know! Then I won't do it again.

    A black, white, and oriental commit the crime of mass murder and once they died, they were sent to hell and as far down as they could go for their horrible crime. The devil comes down to them and says,"Well, you've committed a horrible crime and for that you should be punished down here. But I'll touch your 'tool'(let's just call it that and try to keep it clean) and if it melts you're stuck down here. If not, you're free to go. He assumes this won't happen and proceeds with the white guy. His melts. He touches the oriental's and his melts to. Then he comes to the black guy and touches it but it doesn't melt. He askes,"Why didn't it melt when I touched it?" to which the black guy replied,"Chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand."

  10. #150
    Foggy Doggy
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    Joke : The Four Parables....

    #1:
    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
    the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
    long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Management Lesson :
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    # 2:
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
    top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
    "Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings ? They're packed with
    nutrients," said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Management Lesson :
    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


    # 3:
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze
    and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow
    came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
    the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
    actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
    investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

    Management Lesson(s) :
    1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
    2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

    # 4:
    A boy was riding on a donkey as an old man walked. As they went along,
    some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the
    boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both should walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey! Now, they passed some people that shamed them saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

    Management Lesson :
    If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

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