- The Dean Martin Show -
Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Thanks for sharing Eastcoastmom.
Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken
Penny: Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.
It's a good thing I went to the bathroom before reading such great jokes and funnies.
Here are a couple of animal jokes to add to the collection:
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted with the bird's obvious libido, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you're sweating?" He asks, confused.
The parrot replies, "Have you any idea, how friggin' hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"
"What you live, you learn. What you learn, you practice. What you practice, you become. What you become has consequences." -- Unknown
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful young girl.
' Disgusting Pig !' yells the woman, 'How could you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'll leave immediately, I will ask for a divorce! '
The husband, 'Hey wait a moment; at least let me explain something to you ...'
'Okay, - says his wife - these will be the last words I'll hear ...'
So He begins:
'I was getting into the car to come home when I was approached by this girl who asked me for a
ride . She seemed lost, scared and helpless: I had compassion, so I let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me she had not eaten for three days!
I was filled with compassion; I brought her home and I warmed the meat balls that I had prepared
for you last night, those that you have not eaten for fear of putting on weight. Well, she devoured them in an instant!
As she was dirty I invited her to take a shower and while she was in the bathroom I saw that her clothes were filthy and full of holes; I just threw them away. Since she needed to get dressed, I gave her your Armani jeans, the ones I gave you a few years ago, the ones that you do not put on any more because they are tight. I gave her the underwear that I gave you for your birthday, that you do not use because you say I have poor taste. I also gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you do not wear for spite, as well as those boots that you bought at that expensive boutique but you never put on because someone in the office had a a pair like yours.
"AT THIS POINT THE MAN TAKES A LONG BREATH AND CONTINUES:
"She was so grateful for the help and understanding, that when I approached the bedroom door she looked at me tearfully and asked:
-Is There something else that your wife does not use anymore??
Researchers at the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near the greater Boston metro area recently. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% were killed by impact with a car. After exhaustive research, MTA behaviorists noted that when crows eat road kill, there is always a 'look-out' crow in a nearby tree to warn the crows eating road kill, of impending danger. The conclusion was that the 'look-out" crows could easily say "Caw," but none could say "Twuck."
How to recognize the masters...
If everyone in the paintings has enormous asses, then itís Rubens.
If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, itís Caravaggio.
If everybody has some sort of body malfunction, then itís Picasso.
If itís something you saw on your acid trip last night, itís Dali.
If the images have a dark background and everyone has tortured expressions on their faces, itís Titian.
If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, itís Bruegel.
If everyone Ė including the women Ė looks like Putin, then itís van Eyck.
If the paintings have lots of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullsh*t, itís Bosch.
If everyone looks like hobos illuminated only by a dim streetlamp, itís Rembrandt.
If the painting could easily have a few chubby Cupids or sheep added (or already has them), itís Boucher.
If everyone is beautiful, naked, and stacked, itís Michelangelo.
If you see a ballerina, itís Degas.
If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everyone has gaunt bearded faces, itís El Greco.
If every painting is the face of a uni-browed woman, itís Frida.
Dappled light but no figures, itís Monet.
Dappled light and happy party-time people, itís Renoir.
Dappled light and unhappy party-time people, then itís Manet.
Lord of the Rings landscapes with weird blue mist and the same wavy-haired aristocratic-nose Madonna, itís Da Vinci.
Excel sheet with colored squares, itís Mondrian.
Last edited by waywyrd; 09-19-2013 at 04:25 PM.