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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1451
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Actual conversation at my register:

    Customer (probably mid 60s): Am I old enough?
    Me (totally confused): What??
    Customer: You looked at me like you were checking my age. Am I old enough to buy bananas?
    Me: It's a little different with bananas. I was checking to see if you were young enough to buy bananas that are this green.

    I love it when my mouth is faster than my brain
    Ellen, pikachu, just1paul and 3 others like this.
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  2. #1452
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Ten Pin Bowling Champion, Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Newfherder View Post
    Actual conversation at my register:

    Customer (probably mid 60s): Am I old enough?
    Me (totally confused): What??
    Customer: You looked at me like you were checking my age. Am I old enough to buy bananas?
    Me: It's a little different with bananas. I was checking to see if you were young enough to buy bananas that are this green.



    I love it when my mouth is faster than my brain
    That is hysterical! I hope your customer had a good sense of humor.

  3. #1453
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Ten Pin Bowling Champion, Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said "But what's the dollar for"?

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"
    prhoshay, Ellen, Moonyean and 2 others like this.

  4. #1454
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hahahahaha!
    Count your blessings!

  5. #1455
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I copied & e-mailed the mailman joke to my parents. They got a kick out of it, and are forwarding it to their retired-mailman friend—with a question as to whether he got any "special" gifts on his last delivery.
    (Can't wait to hear the answer...)
    Hyper and Eastcoastmom like this.
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  6. #1456
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Ten Pin Bowling Champion, Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it; give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’

    It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’ ‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor… ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! 'Twas a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’ ‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’ ‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!!

  7. #1457
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    boo.... lmao
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  8. #1458
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

    About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "

    So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony

    Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1459
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Never underestimate the ability of a mother!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1460
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Ten Pin Bowling Champion, Bookworm Champion Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

    His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

    He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

    On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp,a jar of caviar,and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

    Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

    The Maid quit.

    Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

    INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
    Last edited by Eastcoastmom; 03-10-2013 at 05:44 PM.

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