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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1441
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Another good one posted by a Facebook friend:



    http://bobbiblogger.files.wordpress.c om/2011/12/fb.jpg

    ***

    I would say I'm the Gamer.

    They missed one type of Facebook friend. I have people that never post anything personal but post a lot of news articles, funny pictures, etc. Maybe you could call them the Journalist or the Viral Spreader (meaning they're doing their part to make something cool or noteworthy go viral)?

    I don't see the difference between the Hater and the Cynic. Sounds like the same creature to me.

    I just thought of another type, sort of the opposite of the Hater. They love everything and everybody and are always posting mushy stuff, cutesy stuff, or responding to everyone's posts with cheery messages. Kind of the Sunshine and Lollipops personality, or Mr./Ms. Feelgood. They're so effusive it makes you doubt their sincerity or you wonder if they're really grounded in reality.
    Last edited by pikachu; 04-23-2012 at 08:02 PM.

  2. #1442
    Best Ever Pool Runner Angry Birds Champion pikachu's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY

    DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

    CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

    BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

    HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering."

    1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

    2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

    3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.

    The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.

    4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

    5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

    6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress!

    WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when
    they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

    BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

    When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

    Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

    The Rules for Cats at Just Riddles and More

  3. #1443
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Waaay too cute, too funny, and waaay too true!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    At work, there's a poster of these by the photocopier.

    Murphy's laws and other observations

    Murphy's laws
    If anything can go wrong, it will.
    If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
    If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
    If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
    Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
    Mother nature is a bitch.

    O'toole's commentary on Murphy's laws
    Murphy was an optimist.

    Ginsberg's theorems
    You can't win.
    You can't break even.
    You can't even quit the game.

    Forsyth's second corollary to Murphy's laws
    Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

    Weiler's law
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

    The laws of computer programming
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
    If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
    The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
    Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

    Pierce's law
    In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.

    Corollary to Pierce's law
    When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.

    Addition to Murphy's laws
    In nature, nothing is ever right. therefore, if everything is going right...something is wrong.

    Brook's law
    If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!

    Grosch's law
    Computing power increases as the square of the cost.

    Golub's laws of computerdom
    Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
    A carelessly planned project takes three longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
    The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
    Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

    Osborn's law
    Variables won't; constants aren't.

    Gilb's laws of unreliability
    Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
    Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
    Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
    Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

    Lubarsky's law of cybernetic entomology
    There's always one more bug.

    Troutman's postulate
    Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
    Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
    Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
    Interchangeable tapes won't.
    If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
    If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

    Weinberg's second law
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

    Gumperson's law
    The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

    Gummidge's law
    The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public.

    Zymurgy's first law of evolving system dynamics
    Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans).

    Harvard's law, as applied to computers
    Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases.

    Sattinger's law
    It works better if you plug it in.

    Jenkinson's law
    It won't work.

    Horner's five thumb postulate
    Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

    Cheop's law
    Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget.

    Rule of accuracy
    When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

    Zymurg's seventh exception to Murphy's law
    When it rains, it pours

    Pudder's laws
    Anything that begins well ends badly
    Anything that begins badly ends worse.

    Westheimer's rule
    To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

    Stockmayer's theorem
    If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.

    Atwoods corollary
    No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

    Johnson's third law
    If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.

    Corollary to Johnson's third law
    All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.

    Harper's magazine law
    You never find the article until you replace it.

    Brooke's law
    Adding manpower to a late software makes it later.

    Finagle's fourth law
    Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

    Featherkile's rule
    Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

    Flap's law
    Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.
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  5. #1445
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
    prhoshay, Ellen, pikachu and 3 others like this.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

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    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    THAT is wonderful!!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #1447
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These he
    re are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line...you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
    After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  8. #1448
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    5 Deadly Terms Used By a Woman
    1) “Fine” – This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
    2) “Nothing” – means “Something” and you need to be worried.
    3) “Go Ahead” – this is a dare, not permission, don’t do it.
    4) “Whatever” – A women’s way of saying screw you.
    5) “That’s Ok” – She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
    Bonus Word: “Wow!” – This is not a compliment; she’s amazed that one person could be so stupid.


    8 DEADLY TERMS USED BY MEN!!!


    J


    1. IT'S NOT YOU; IT'S ME: This is what a man tells you when he wants to break up with you. He is tired of you (yes tired of you) and instead of him to coming out and say it, he will tell you that he needs to work on himself. And in order to do that, he has needs to be away from you.
    2. I'LL CALL YOU: This is what a man tells you after you had a date that didn’t really go his way (that is it didn’t end up in bed). Here you are thinking that he will definitely call because the date went well, right? Wrong! An advice for you, do not wait for this call. But if he finally does, refer to either #7 or #8 for what he wants.
    3. I'VE BEEN BUSY: No he has not. His life has been the way it was before he met you. What he actually means stems from the term he used in #2 ergo he was never going to call you.
    4. WOW, THAT'S INTERESTING: Here you are talking about something that matters to you but he has not heard a single word you said. What he really means is “Sorry, I wasn’t listening and I couldn’t care less.” What he wants now is a sex. And if it doesn't go that way, be sure that sooner than later, he will refer to #1.
    5. I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP: He is telling you the truth. Yes, he has used you and now wants to dump you, so move on. But I must say, if he is really a dog, he will call again so refer to #7 or #8.
    6. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT: Whatever you are asking him about and he says this, he is going to lie to you. The reason for this term is to buy him time so that he will think of a quick lie to you. He will so lie and if it means him swearing on his mother’s grave or on the heads of their unborn children, he will do it.
    7. ARE YOU ALONE: This is question will only lead to one thing in his mind: a quickie. Yes and don’t think he is asking you to be sure of your security. So make sure your answer is no.
    8. ARE YOU HOME: Hmmm... What a question! But it is not a question of him having you in mind. When he asks you this question, he is broke and wants to get money from you. First, he wants to borrow it but then he tells you that he is your man. If you ever ask him when he is going to pay back, please refer to #6.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1449
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    These are good and oh-so true!!!

    Another sign of the lie is when you ask them a question, and they repeat the question back to you! Buying time, again, fumbling for an answer!
    MsDiva2007 likes this.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1450
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    lol I am constantly using WOW with my DH. Poor fool he doesn't get it lol
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

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