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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1421
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MsDiva, I bow to you! I was actually guffawing out loud! Thank you and bless you!

  2. #1422
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.



    I have two female parrots,


    But they only know how to say one thing.'

    'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

    They say,

    'Hi, we're hookers!

    Do you want to have some fun?'

    That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

    Then he thought for a moment.
    'You know,' he said,

    'I may have a solution to your problem.

    I have two male talking parrots,

    Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

    Bring your two parrots over to my house,

    And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

    My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

    And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

    That phrase . . In no time.'

    Thank you,' the woman responded,

    'this may very well be the solution.'


    The next day,

    She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

    As he ushered her in,

    She saw that his two male parrots
    Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

    Impressed,
    She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

    After a few minutes,

    The female parrots cried out in unison:

    Hi, we're hookers!

    Do you want to have some fun?'

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked,

    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

    And exclaimed,

    'Put the beads away, Frank.

    Our prayers have been answered!'


    ?
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  3. #1423
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Blonde Year in Review

    January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

    February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

    March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years".

    April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

    May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

    June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

    August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

    September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

    October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

    December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  4. #1424
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MsDiva2007, I bow to your wit and humor! Thank you for the laughs!!

  5. #1425
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

    'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

    'Yes. What can I do for you?'

    'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin'
    marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
    them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

    'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

    The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
    They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

    They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

    'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the
    Sheriff come?'

    'Yeah!'

    'Did they chop your firewood?'

    'Yep!'

    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

    (Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun!)
    maude~flanders likes this.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  6. #1426
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Sorry about the all caps. I got this in an email.
    Three Ladies in a Sauna

    THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

    SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
    BEEP STOPPED.

    THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

    A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

    WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

    THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

    SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

    THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

    THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A
    FAX!!

  7. #1427
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Daddy, how was I born?





    A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

    The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

    You've Got Male!
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  8. #1428
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This is a little something funny for all the teachers out there, and here at FoRT.

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: Maria.


    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
    floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
    alphabet.'


    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
    cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you
    know why his father didn't punish
    him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
    eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
    as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
    prhoshay, Ellen, queenb and 2 others like this.

  9. #1429
    9/11/2001 NEVER FORGET. Eastcoastmom's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    And then the fight started....




    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.


    She asked, 'What's on TV?'


    I said, 'Dust.'


    And then the fight started...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.


    And then the fight started...


    ----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.


    And then the fight started...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.


    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


    And then the fight started...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


    And then the fight started...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."


    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""


    Nah, she can order for herself."


    And then the fight started...


    ------------ --------- --------- ---


    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.


    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.


    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


    And then the fight started.....


    ------------ --------- --------- ------


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.


    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.


    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


    And then the fight started....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----


    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday


    and then the fight started.....


    ------------ --------- --------- ----


    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.


    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.


    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'


    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'


    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'


    And then the fight started.....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.


    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.


    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'


    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


    And then the fight started ...


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "


    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.


    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


    And that's when the fight started....


    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.


    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."


    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


    And that's when the fight started....
    lopevian likes this.

  10. #1430
    Vidiot 13 is a Winner Champion Poppy Fields's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies


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