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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1411
    FORT Fogey norealityhere's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Newf, thanks for the memories. Wondered what had happened to you.

    I remember my Uncle tellling me many years ago that he ran into Paul Lynde at the airport. My uncle had been so used to seeing him on TV that when he actually saw him in person, he just went over to him and started saying, hi, how are you, hope all is well. It wasn't until later in the day that my Uncle realized who he was!! He had just grown to see the man so often on TV that he mistook him for an old friend
    To Thine Own Self Be True

  2. #1412
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh my gooooodness!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  3. #1413
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Newf, that was so damned funny! The perfect thing to come home to after a challenging day at work!
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  4. #1414
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    So funny Newf! ...but I wanted to know the real answers.
    Count your blessings!

  5. #1415
    FORT Devotee Mike'sgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Not as funny as Newf's, but is enjoyable:

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
    sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
    The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
    then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
    actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back - order.

    P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a dwarf pounding on
    something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from dwarf.
    So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.
    Christopher Reeve

  6. #1416
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    thanks for the Laugh!

  7. #1417
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Good stuff, Mike'sgirl
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  8. #1418
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had tough time to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ _____________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you [mod edit] me?
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: getting laid
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________ ___________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ ______________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law




    --
    Last edited by Critical; 12-06-2009 at 03:16 PM.
    Mike'sgirl likes this.
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1419
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies


    Hilarious, MsDiva2007! These made me guffaw out loud!
    (The censorship in the sixth vignette also made me laugh . . .)
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  10. #1420
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh my goodness - I had to copy those and send them to friends and family.
    Count your blessings!

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