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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1401
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I haven't been in here for a while. Thanks for the last few laughs!!
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

  2. #1402
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    > After I
    > > retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
    > > trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I
    >
    > > found shopping boring and
    > > preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate,
    > > my wife is like most
    > > women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife
    > > received the following
    > > letter from the local Target.
    >
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > Dear Mrs. Samuel,
    > >
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > > Over the past six months,
    >
    > > your husband has caused
    > > quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
    > > this behavior and have
    > > been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
    > > complaints against your
    > > husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by
    >
    > > our video
    > > surveillance cameras.
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes
    > > of condoms and
    > > randomly put them in other people's carts when they
    >
    > > weren't looking.
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 2. July 2: Set all the
    > > alarm clocks in Housewares
    > > to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    > >
    >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 3. July 7:
    > > He made a trail of tomato juice on the
    > > floor leading to the women's restroom.
    > >
    > > >
    >
    > >
    > > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an
    > > employee and told her
    > > in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get
    > > on it right away'. This
    > > caused the employee to leave her assigned station and
    >
    > > receive a reprimand
    > > from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union
    > > grievance, causing
    > > management to lose time and costing the company money.
    > >
    > > >
    >
    > >
    > > > 5. August 4: Went to the
    > > Service Desk and tried
    > > to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
    > >
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    >
    > > > 6. August 14: Moved a
    > > 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
    > > to a carpeted area.
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent
    >
    > > in the camping
    > > department and told the children shoppers he'd invite
    > > them in if they would
    > > bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
    > > which twenty
    > > children obliged.
    >
    > >
    > > > 8. August 23: When a clerk
    > > asked if they could
    > > help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't
    > > you people just leave me
    > > alone?' EMTs were called.
    >
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 9.
    > > September 4: Looked right into the security
    > > camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
    > >
    >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 10. September 10: While
    > > handling guns in the
    > > hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
    > > antidepressants were.
    > >
    >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 11. October 3: Darted
    > > around the store
    > > suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission
    > > Impossible' theme.
    > >
    >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 12. October 6: In the auto
    > > department, he
    > > practiced his 'Madonna look' by using dif ferent
    > > sizes of funnels.
    > >
    >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 13. October 18: Hid in a
    > > clothing rack and when
    > > people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    > >
    > > >
    >
    > >
    > > > 14. October 21: When an
    > > announcement came over
    > > the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed
    > > 'OH NO! IT'S
    > > THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    >
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > And last, but not least:
    > >
    > > >
    > >
    > > > 15. October 23: Went into a
    >
    > > fitting room, shut
    > > the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
    > > There's no toilet
    > > paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
    > >

  3. #1403
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That was hilarious!
    When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life. - John Lennon

  4. #1404
    FORT Devotee Mike'sgirl's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    At first, I was smiling and then as I read further laughed till I cried. Thanks to all for sharing these funnies - wonderful!
    So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.
    Christopher Reeve

  5. #1405
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I consolidated it and sent it around to a few e-mail buddies.
    Count your blessings!

  6. #1406
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    famita - that was absolutely

  7. #1407
    FORT Fogey norealityhere's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I loved both Ms. Diva's and Famita's.
    Thanks for making me laugh.
    To Thine Own Self Be True

  8. #1408
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

    Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

    A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen seconds later): Loneliness!

    And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A.... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty...

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A.. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
    Mike'sgirl likes this.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  9. #1409
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Very funny Newf. Classic moments from a classic show.
    When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life. - John Lennon

  10. #1410
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    NEWFHERDER -- THANKS SO MUCH for a laugh on a day when I needed it.
    - The Dean Martin Show -

    Petula Clark: You know they say you can't buy happiness.
    Dean Martin: No but you can pour it..

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