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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1391
    Woodsprite Air Blobs Easy Champion inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Gutmutter;3647136;
    HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
    Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
    Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
    About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
    Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
    Dear Mom,
    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
    Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
    Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
    This is like the fishing joke;

    A man is having an affair, and tells his wife he is going out of town on a fishing trip and would she please pack his suitcase.
    She does and when the husband returns, she asked "How was your fishing trip dear?
    He replies " It was great dear, but did you know you forgot to pack me any underware?
    In which she replies " Oh, but I did pack your underware and if you had openned your Tacklebox you would have found it!

  2. #1392
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Thanks for the great laughs! I know the next time I see a row of cabs I will be laughing loudly!

  3. #1393
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
    "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
    KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  4. #1394
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Little Johnny's at it again......

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


    * * * * * * * * * * *


    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


    * * * * * * * * * * *


    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


    (this is my favorite)

    * * * * * * * * * * *


    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ..'


    * * * * * * * * * * *
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  5. #1395
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
    Poultry in motion.

    (a student told me this one today)
    Count your blessings!

  6. #1396
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I recieved this in an email today.

    One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
    'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

    Moral of this story....

    Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
    Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

  7. #1397
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Geez....you made me feel like I was in church! All I have to say to that is, "Amen!"
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  8. #1398
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I like this one, so since it's nearly Halloween...

    A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

    "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

    The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

    The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  9. #1399
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    We roared at the office! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. #1400
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    11 people on a rope
    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

    The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

    They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

    As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

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