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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #131
    Foggy Doggy
    Quote Originally Posted by Mantenna
    Oh, can you? That may be the funniest part...

    Nice joke, FogDog.
    Your welcome

  2. #132
    Premium Member sheela's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    spoiler-free zone
    Thanks, FD.

  3. #133
    FORT Fogey
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

    funny stuff!!!!!

  4. #134
    Foggy Doggy

    Windows Humor

    Dear Consumers:
    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
    WINDOWS 2000 OKLAHOMA EDITION may have accidentally been
    shipped outside of the STATE of OKLAHOMA.
    If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
    the commands. The OKLAHOMA EDITION may be recognized by the
    unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a
    background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle
    of Jack Daniels.

    Please also note:
    The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
    My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
    Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
    Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
    Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
    Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
    Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

    Reset.............try'er agin
    Find..............hunt fer it
    Go to.............over yonder
    Back..............back yonder
    Help..............hep me out here
    Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
    Start.............crank'er up
    Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
    Documents....... .stuff ah done did
    Also note that the OKLAHOMA EDITION does not recognize
    capital letters or punctuation marks.

    Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:
    Tiperiter..................... a word processing program
    Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
    Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculato r
    Outhouse Paper................notepad
    Inner-net.....................Micros oft explorer 5.0
    Pitchers...................... a graphics viewer

    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you
    received a copy of the OKLAHOMA EDITION, you may return it
    to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    I hope this helps all y'all!
    Billy Bob Gates

  5. #135
    Foggy Doggy

    Humor : The little girl & the construction workers

    This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed
    between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant
    lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
    interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
    lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
    make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

    The little girl took thishome to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they
    take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next
    day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the litt le girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked
    all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness
    gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-b*tches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a sh*t!"

  6. #136
    Just bumping this

  7. #137
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Dublin, OH

    Leave it to a Blonde

    A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen." The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... And the blonde said ...............

    Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. #138

  9. #139
    ---There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money... He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything and just before he died, he said to his wife..."Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me because I want to take my money to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heard that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife screams out... "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend asks... "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man?" She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."
    "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it in MY account and wrote him a check."

  10. #140
    the a hole joke made me think of something i had seen on the net once...

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
    What makes life 100%?
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
    H A R D W O R K
    8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
    K N O W L E D G E
    11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
    A T T I T U D E
    1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
    B U L L S H I T
    2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
    So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
    But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
    A S S K I S S I N G
    1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

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