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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1371
    FORT Fanatic CaliLily's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    One day a blonde who was fed up with everyone thinking she was dumb just because of the color of her hair decided to dye her hair brown and prove to the world that she was indeed smart. After the work was done she admired her handywork in her bathroom mirror. Her hair was a dark chestnut brown, not a strande of her true color left on her head. Deciding she was ready to try it out she hopped in her convertable and drove out to the country where she happened upon a sheep farmer herding his flock. She pulled the car over to the side of the road right alongside the farmer.

    "I bet I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have there, sir." She said to the farmer.

    "Is that right?" He replied, a little surprised. "Well, go ahead then. How many?"

    She thought for a moment. "If I tell you the correct number may I take one home with me?"

    "Of course. You can pick any one that you like." He said.

    She smiled. "You have 47 sheep."

    "Why, you're right! Go ahead and pick whichever one you want."

    She walked up to the flock and took one of the animals that had been sitting and staring at her the whole time she had been talking to the farmer and put him in the back seat of her convertable.

    As she slid into the driver's seat and started the car the farmer leaned over the passenger's side and asked, "If I can guess you're true hair color can I have my dog back?"

    Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens. J.R.R. Tolkien

  2. #1372
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

    Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when
    he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

    He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
    above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling.

    ''Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?'' he yelled.

    No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have anotha' beer, and if my
    hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done
    in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!"

    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer,
    walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to
    ride out of town.

    The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before
    you go. . . what happened in Texas?"

    The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  3. #1373
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Only great minds can read this
    This is weird, but
    20 interesting!

    fi yuo cna
    raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

    Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
    out of 100 can.

    i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
    I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
    at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
    are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
    pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
    Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
    wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
    if you can raed tihs forwrad it


    FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

    Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject
    Line
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  4. #1374
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies


    To a teacher, this is just another day at the office!
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  5. #1375
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I must have a great mind then because I didn't have any trouble reading it.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  6. #1376
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    If nothing else, it shows how dumbed-down the word "great" has become, if 55% of people can do something and it's considered great that they can do so. By that standard (and I am using the word loosely), an IQ of about 95 should qualify one for Mensa.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  7. #1377
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I've seen different versions of this, but I always find it fascinating. I'm a speed-reader when the occasion arises, and that fascinates me, too.
    Count your blessings!

  8. #1378
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Back Pew

    A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

    In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
    The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1379
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It's already been sent all over the country!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1380
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This is for all the germ conscious folks
    that worry about using cold water to clean.

    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
    in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

    After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
    the next morning John's grandfather prepared
    breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


    However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
    and questioned his grandfather asking,

    'Are these plates clean?'

    His grandfather replied,

    'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
    Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


    For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

    Again, John was concerned about the plates,
    as his appeared to have tiny specks around
    the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

    'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

    Without looking up the old man said,

    'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
    clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
    fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

    Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
    and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
    started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


    John yelled and said,
    'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



    Without diverting his attention from the football game
    he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

    'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'







    Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!


    PLEASE DO YOUR PART !
    Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

    Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

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