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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1361
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    MORNING SEX -

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

    My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

    She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #1362
    Go Donny! Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oooooooooooooooh! Snap!
    Count your blessings!

  3. #1363
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    ouch!

  4. #1364
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
    me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
    started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
    the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
    her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
    assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
    nice cup of tea, and then " he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .. ..


    (scroll down)













    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
    Martin Luther King, Jr.

  5. #1365
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ok... that one is funny. And I thought I'd heard every blond joke there is.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  6. #1366
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Two Little Boys

    After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

    As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.
    "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
    "I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in..the hole-he-goes. "
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #1367
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Silliness!

    Confucius Says:

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run in

    Front of car get tired.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run behind

    Car get exhausted.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man with one

    Chopstick go hungry.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who scratch butt

    Should not bite fingernails.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who eat many

    Prunes get good run for money.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


    War does not

    Determine who is right, war determine who is

    Left.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Wife who put

    Husband in doghouse soon find him in

    Cathouse.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


    Man who drive like

    Hell, bound to get there.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who live in

    Glass house should change clothes in

    Basement.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fish in

    Other man's well often catch crabs.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Crowded elevator

    Smell different to midget.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  8. #1368
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    you missed one.

    Man who passes gas in church
    sit in own pew.

  9. #1369
    everything under the sun lopevian's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    all of the above

    A mother in Dublin boardrd a bus with six energetic, rambunctious children. After much fuss and chaos, the bus driver said to the frazzled mother, "you should have left half of them home", to which the mother replied, "I did".
    "...Mr. Bluebird on my shoulder..."

  10. #1370
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Good one...and I like this as well

    Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

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