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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1351
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Unk, priceless!!!!!

  2. #1352
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That is hilarious!!!!

  3. #1353
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Just in time for summer...

    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  4. #1354
    FoRTer coltnlasma's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    heehee, queenb... I'll never be bikini-worthy, but I'm thinking of posting a copy of that to my fridge as visual motivation
    remember to play

  5. #1355
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    She should have chosen stripes. They're more slimming than polka dots.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  6. #1356
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN THE SOUTH

    *Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

    *There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in The South

    *There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in The South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

    *If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites..

    *Onced and Twiced are words.

    *It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

    *People actually grow and eat okra.

    *'Fixinto' is one word.

    *There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

    *Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

    *Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

    *DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

    *You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

    *You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

    *You measure distance in minutes.

    *You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

    *'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

    *All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

    *You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

    *You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

    *There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

    *The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

    *The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

    *100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

    *We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

    *Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World.'

    *A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

    *A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . . it's a Coke, regardless
    of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

    *Fried catfish is the other white meat.

    *We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can
    drive.

    If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from the south (and those who just wish they were).

    EVERYONE can't be from the south; it takes luck.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #1357
    MRD
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    FORT Fogey MRD's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;3411013;
    THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN THE SOUTH

    *Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

    *There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in The South

    *There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in The South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

    *If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites..

    *Onced and Twiced are words.

    *It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

    *People actually grow and eat okra.

    *'Fixinto' is one word.

    *There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.

    *Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

    *Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

    *DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

    *You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

    *You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

    *You measure distance in minutes.

    *You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

    *'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'

    *All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

    *You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

    *You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

    *There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

    *The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

    *The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

    *100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

    *We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

    *Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World.'

    *A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

    *A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . . it's a Coke, regardless
    of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

    *Fried catfish is the other white meat.

    *We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can
    drive.

    If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from the south (and those who just wish they were).

    EVERYONE can't be from the south; it takes luck.
    Yere dern tootin'!!!!

    American by birth, Southern by the grace of God!!!!!
    Que me amat, amet et canem meum
    (Who loves me will love my dog also)

  8. #1358
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

    The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

    The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

    The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

    'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
    Shalom.'

    Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

    "Your #*&@^ brother won't let me in without a tie!"
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1359
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
    holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
    "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
    used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
    moved to Florida.

    "Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
    grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because
    they don't know who they are anymore.

    "They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got
    it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they
    don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all
    jump up and down in it with hats on.

    "At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
    it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
    and go cruising in their golf carts.

    "Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
    every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the
    man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
    wrecked center for pot luck.

    "My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
    retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday
    too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll
    house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their
    grandchildren.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1360
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    omigoodness, queenb, how did you find that picture of me????

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