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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1341
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It's much more believable with GWB as the subject of the joke!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  2. #1342
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Shirley & Marcy

    A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.
    He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

    So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

    She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
    behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

    As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally
    she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?

    Do you know her?'
    Timmy nonchalantly replied,
    'Yeah, I know who she is.'
    The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
    'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

    'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

    'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
    And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow
    me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it'

  3. #1343
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Amen!! Loved it!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #1344
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    It's time for the retelling of the tale of the Elmer P. Shapiro Nail Company of Camden, New Jersey

    Seems old Elmer retired and left the company to his not-too-bright son. One spring morning, Elmer was enjoying his retirement and reading the newspaper on the beaches of Miami, when he came across a full-page ad. There was a picture of Christ on the cross, and the caption proudly proclaimed

    THEY USED OUR NAILS!
    Elmer P. Shapiro Nail Company
    Camden, New Jersey


    Elmer about had a heart attack, called his son, and read him the riot act. Eventually the son realized that the ad might come off as a bit insensitive, so he told Elmer that he would fix everything. The next day, there was another full-page ad. This time Christ was slumped at the bottom of the cross, ragged tears in his hands and feet, and bits of flesh hanging off of the bent nails on the cross. The caption read

    THEY DIDN'T USE OUR NAILS!
    Elmer P. Shapiro Nail Company
    Camden, New Jersey


    They buried poor Elmer the next day.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #1345
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    You're Going To Hell, Newf!!!!

    (Me, and several other people that I can think of on this board, will probably be meeting you there!!)

    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  6. #1346
    Go Teams! inthegarden's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
    The blond came to the door and the milkman said, ' I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
    The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
    The milkman asked, 'Did you want pasteurized?

    The blonde said, 'No just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes.'

  7. #1347
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;3402274;
    You're Going To Hell, Newf!!!!

    (Me, and several other people that I can think of on this board, will probably be meeting you there!!)

    I'll see y'all at the burning door.

  8. #1348
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by prhoshay;3402274;
    You're Going To Hell, Newf!!!!

    (Me, and several other people that I can think of on this board, will probably be meeting you there!!)

    I've been dodging lightning bolts for years.
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  9. #1349
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
    'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
    The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
    'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
    'Same,' says the ostrich.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
    How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
    'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
    When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
    'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
    The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
    The man sighs, pauses and answers,
    'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

  10. #1350
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Unklescott - that is HILARIOUS.

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