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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1331
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    At least one man has his priorities right
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  2. #1332
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
    'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '165,' I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 205.

    The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5' 11,' I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 9'.

    She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

    'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

    She put me on Prozac.

  3. #1333
    Me and my shadow Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This could only happen with a little Italian kid..
    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
    'Yes, Father, it is.'
    'And who was the girl you were with?'
    'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
    Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
    well tell me now.
    Was it Tina Minetti?'
    'I cannot say.'
    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
    'I'll never tell.'
    'Was it Nina Capelli?'
    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
    'My lips are sealed.'
    'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
    'What'd you get?'
    '4 months vacation and five good leads.'
    Count your blessings!

  4. #1334
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    You don't have to be Catholic to get a kick out of this joke, but it might help!

    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would
    fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
    steak.. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
    Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were
    forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
    delicious aroma from the grilled venison
    steaks was causing such a problem for the
    Catholic faithful that they finally talked
    to their priest.


    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and
    suggested that he become a Catholic. After
    several classes and much study, Bubba
    attended Mass.. and as the priest sprinkled
    holy water over him, he said, 'You were
    born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but
    now you are a Catholic..


    Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,
    until Friday night arrived, and the
    wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled
    the neighborhood. The Priest was called
    immediately by the neighbors, and, as he
    rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a
    rosary and prepared to scold him, he
    stopped and watched in amazement.


    There stood Bubba, clutching a small
    bottle of holy water which he carefully
    sprinkled over the grilling meat and
    chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz
    raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #1335
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OLE'S ACCIDENT

    Ole, had a car accident.

    In court, the trucking company's lawyer was
    Questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer."

    Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer
    Interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say,
    At the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?


    Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the
    Trailer and I was driving down the road..."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said,
    "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
    Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's
    Answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

    Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas
    Saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into
    da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis
    Huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.
    However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I
    Knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

    Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?''

    "Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  6. #1336
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh Lil Bit that is HILARIOUS!!

    Then I read up and find those hilarious ones from Gutmutter and prhoshay!!
    Thanks all for the laughter.

  7. #1337
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Summary of Life
    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus

    SUCCESS:
    At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
    At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
    At age 35 success is . . having money.
    At age 50 success is . . having money.
    At age 70 success is . .. ... having a drivers license.
    At age 75 success is . . having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

  8. #1338
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The Department Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

    Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

    Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

  9. #1339
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The last time I heard that, George Bush was the object of the joke....and it was funny then, too!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  10. #1340
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. The person who sent this to me would NEVER bad mouth GW though, so I guess that's why I didn't get that version.
    History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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