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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1321
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    omigoodness lil bit, i have most of those original versions on my mp3 player. now i'm going to giggle everytime i listen to them

  2. #1322
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

    Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

    And she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

    Social Security office!

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

    And then the fight started.....



    ****

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

    whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    And that's how the fight started ..



    ****

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

    kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at

    a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

    hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

    celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started.....



    ****



    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

    "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....


    ********



    I rear-ended a car this morning.

    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other

    driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and

    little things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

    'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    And then the fight started.....



    ****

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

    order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And then the fight started.....



    ****

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me

    a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

  3. #1323
    Miz Smarty Britches queenb's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    What Makes 100%?
    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
    How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M
    N O P Q R S T you V W X Y Z

    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
    13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
    22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


    and


    K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
    = 96%

    But ,

    A-T -T -I -T - U -D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B - U -L -L -S -H-I -T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing
    will take you.

    A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
    = 118%
    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
    I have found the Truth and it doesn't make sense.

  4. #1324
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Men strike back!


    ----------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    When will Women be equal to men?
    Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
    ------------------------------------------------------

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman' s watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    -- ---------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

  5. #1325
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    *groan*

    (Ok, I'll admit it, a couple of them were funny. )

  6. #1326
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Cowboy's Boots

    A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
    up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman
    asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well
    endowed.

    The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't
    you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
    him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

    Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya', ma'am. Ah'm real
    flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

    "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots
    that fit."
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  7. #1327
    Go Donny! Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ooooooh - snap!
    Count your blessings!

  8. #1328
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I'm all for getting your boots to fit!!

  9. #1329
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and sex life and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

    My engaged friend reported: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing that black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and embracing me said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

    The mistress reported: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and under my topcoat I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes. When I took off the top coat he just said, "Wow! he didn't say another word, but we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…
    "What's for dinner, Batman?"

  10. #1330
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Priceless!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

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