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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1311
    shoes? who needs shoes?? barefootdyke's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    oh my ... that was a good one!

  2. #1312
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    OLD"


    LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
    >
    > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
    > has
    > been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
    >
    > dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
    > pedal
    > and even the accelerator!' she cried.
    >
    > The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
    >
    > A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She
    > got
    > in the back-seat by mistake.'
    > ______________________________ ______________________________ ____________
    > FAMILY
    >
    > Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
    > the
    > 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses She yells to
    > the
    > other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
    > The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She
    > starts
    > up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
    > The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
    > her
    > sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that
    > forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both
    > of
    > you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
    > ______________________ ______ _ ______________________________ ___
    > __________
    > 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
    >
    > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
    > March
    > day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    >
    > 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
    >
    > And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
    > ______________________________ ______________________________ ___________
    > LITTLE LADY:
    >
    > A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
    > As
    > she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
    > 'Supersex.'
    > She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
    > him,
    > she said, 'Supersex..'
    >
    > He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
    >
    > soup.'
    > ______________________________ ______________________________ _________ __
    > OLD FRIENDS:
    >
    > Now this one is just too Precious...
    >
    > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
    > they
    > had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
    > activities
    > had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,
    > they
    > were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get
    > mad
    > at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
    > think of
    > your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please
    > tell me
    > what your name is'
    >
    > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
    >
    > glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
    > ______ _____ ___
    > ______________________________ __________________________
    > SENIOR DRIVING
    >
    > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
    > Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
    > just
    > heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
    > 77.
    > Please be careful!'
    >
    > 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
    > ______________________________ ______________________________ ___________
    > DRIVING
    >
    > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
    > see
    > over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
    > intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The
    > woman
    > in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
    > have
    > sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they
    > came
    > to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went
    > right
    > through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
    > had
    > been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
    > getting
    > nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
    > they
    > went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred,
    > did
    > you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
    > have
    > killed us both!'
    > Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
    >


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  3. #1313
    Peeking In Duxxy's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hey mom,

    What did 0 say to 8?



    Nice belt!

    my kiddo laughed for hours after telling me this one.
    "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."

  4. #1314
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Cute!!!
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  5. #1315
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled 'You Can Be the Man Of Your House'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need To know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
    You will prepare Me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will Serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs With me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards you are Going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me

    dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then

    Tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'



    The wife replied,

    'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

  6. #1316
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

    This one is priceless.. Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned
    from typing the wrong e-mail address. A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

    They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

    So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

    There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

    However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

    He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
    floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I've Arrived

    Date: October 16, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

  7. #1317
    FORT Fogey brunette trixie's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Those were both great, msdiva!

  8. #1318
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by MsDiva2007;3294240;

    To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I've Arrived

    Date: October 16, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
    Too funny

  9. #1319
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    To accommodate the aging baby boomers market, artists of the 60's are revising the lyrics of old time favorites.


    Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
    Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
    Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
    The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
    Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
    Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
    Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
    The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
    Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
    Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
    Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
    The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
    Abba--- Denture Queen.
    Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
    Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
    Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
    And Last but NOT least:
    Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

  10. #1320
    Trouble in my life just1paul's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    GROAN! *chortle*snicker*chuckle*

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