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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1301
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Gut, I thought that's the way it really happened?!!

  2. #1302
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing Welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive Around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her in every way. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is 200,000 a year.'

    The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're BS-ing' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . You started it."
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  3. #1303
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    cute, misskitty!

  4. #1304
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I hope this isn't too racy for this site:
    After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
    It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
    He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
    He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
    As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


    He said, 'I found the remote'
    Count your blessings!

  5. #1305
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That was fantastic!!

  6. #1306
    A Meat Loaf Aday... ClosetNerd's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh my gosh! I was reading and thinking Oh NO where is this going! *blush*
    and then ZIINNG I have to send that one to Mr Nerd.
    ~There is no way to Happiness. Happiness is the way.~

  7. #1307
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
    >> decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
    >> a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
    >>
    >>
    >> She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
    >> he had any odd jobs for her to do.
    >>
    >>
    >> 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How
    >> much will you charge me?'
    >>
    >>
    >> The blonde, with a typical blank look, quickly responded, 'How about $50?
    >>
    >> The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
    >> would
    >> need was in the garage.
    >>
    >>
    >> The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she
    >> realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
    >>
    >> He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
    >>
    >> The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
    >> those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
    >>
    >>
    >> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    >>
    >> 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
    >>
    >> 'Yes, ' the blonde replied, '...and I even had paint left over, so I
    >> gave it two coats.'
    >>
    >>
    >> Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
    >> her
    >> along with a $10 tip.
    >>
    >>
    >> 'And by the way...., ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a
    >> Lexus.'
    >
    >

  8. #1308
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Ohhhh - I'm going to have to try to remember that one to tell my students tomorrow. Too funny.
    Count your blessings!

  9. #1309
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    That was cute MsDiva

  10. #1310
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    Being blond myself, I tend to hear a lot of dumb blond jokes, but I have to say that this one is actually funny.

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