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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1291
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by Lil Bit;3246187;
    24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

    25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.
    Heh. I didn't give the first thought to passing this on. I did, however, ponder whether we had Clorox and/or brake fluid at home. I am just not girly enough.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  2. #1292
    FORT Fogey Ellen's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hmm -- I'm an ass and my husband is a skunk. Put together, I guess that makes us a couple of old farts?
    "There's no crying in baseball!"
    -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

  3. #1293
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:


    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, And Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug , and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said, very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  4. #1294
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies



    That is hysterical!!!

  5. #1295
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh. My. Gosh. Didn't see that one coming at all!
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

  6. #1296
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I'll never be able to look at my tree angel the same way again.
    CYA

  7. #1297
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  8. #1298
    Rock Stars! bbnbama's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I saw this online and instanly thought of both myrosiedog (who loves flamingoes) and Yargnome (who obviously loves gnomes)!!!

    Reality is the beginning...not the end....Wallace Stevens

  9. #1299
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by MsDiva2007;3245989;
    LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE..
    I'm a cockroach?!

    - Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person..
    -You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight..
    - An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.
    -You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people.
    -You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!!
    -Well, well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

    My sweetie is an Ass...
    A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

    True except forthe clothes..he is not trendy, and not depressed.
    Last edited by misskitty; 12-15-2008 at 04:53 PM.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  10. #1300
    Best Buddies Gutmutter's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    EVE: 'I've got a problem.'
    GOD: 'What's the problem, Eve?'
    EVE: 'I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and All of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy'
    GOD: 'And why is that Eve?'
    EVE: 'I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.'
    GOD: 'Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'
    EVE: 'Man? What is that?'
    GOD: 'A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.'
    EVE: 'Sounds great,' but what's the catch?'
    GOD: 'Well,.....you can have him on one condition.'
    EVE: 'And what's that, dear God? '
    GOD: 'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret... you know, woman to woman.
    Count your blessings!

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