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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1281
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

    Men Are Just Happier People--

    - Your last name stays put.

    - The garage is all yours.

    - Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

    - You can never be pregnant.

    - Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    - The world is your urinal.

    - You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

    - You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

    - Same work, more pay.

    - Wrinkles add character.

    - People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

    - New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    - One mood all the time.

    - Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    - You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    - You can open all your own jars.

    - You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    - Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

    - You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    - Everything on your face stays its original color.

    - The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    - You only have to shave your face and neck.

    - You can play with toys all your life.

    - One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

    - You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

    - You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

    - You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    No wonder men are happier.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1282
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE..

    January 01 - 09 ~ Ass
    January 10 - 24 ~ Slug
    January 25 - 31 ~ Cockroach
    February 01 - 05 ~ Parasite
    February 06 - 14 ~ Bullfrog
    February 15 - 21 ~ Skunk
    February 22 - 28 ~ Snake
    March 01 - 12 ~ Ape
    March 13 - 15 ~ Cockroach
    March 16 - 23 ~ Slug
    March 24 - 31 ~ Parasite

    April 01 - 03 ~ Ass
    April 04 - 14 ~ Snake
    April 15 - 26 ~ Slug
    April 27 - 30 ~ Skunk
    May 01 - 13 ~ Slug
    May 14 - 21 ~ Bullfrog
    May 22 - 31 ~ Cockroach
    June 01 - 03 ~ Slug
    June 04 - 14 ~ Skunk
    June 15 - 20 ~ Ass
    June 21 - 24 ~ Ape
    June 25 - 30 ~ Parasite

    July 01 - 09 ~ Slug
    July 10 - 15 ~ Ass
    July 16 - 26 ~ Bullfrog
    July 27 - 31 ~ Parasite
    August 01 - 15 ~ Ape
    August 16 - 25 ~ Slug
    August 26 - 31 ~ Skunk
    September 01 - 14 ~ Bullfrog
    September 15 - 27 ~ Parasite
    September 28 - 30 ~ Ass

    October 01 - 15 ~ Ape
    October 16 - 27 ~ Skunk
    October 28 - 31 ~ Snake
    November 01 - 16 ~ Cockroach
    November 17 - 30 ~ Parasite
    December 01 - 16 ~ Ass
    December 17 - 25 ~ Ape
    December 26 - 31 ~ Bullfrog


    If you are a Ass : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of th em being quality-personified.

    If you are a Slug : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

    If you are a Cockroach : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person.. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight.. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

    If you are a Parasite : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

    If you are a Skunk : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

    If you are a Bullfrog : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware; it is easy for you to fall in love....

    If you are a Snake : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

    If you are a Ape : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the centre of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!
    __________________

  3. #1283
    Over and Out! Bunny555's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Hmmmm.....I guess I'm a Bullfrog
    If you are a Bullfrog : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware; it is easy for you to fall in love....
    It will make my kids when I tell them that I spread cheer wherever I go.
    CYA

  4. #1284
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I didn't need this list to know that I'm an ass--people tell me that all the time
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #1285
    FORT Fogey Add It Up Champion famita's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I'm an ass and an ass at times....but you all knew that already!

  6. #1286
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Well, according to this I'm an Ape but I don't think I'm like the description at all. Of course, I don't fit my horoscope, either. Wonder if Mom and Dad got my birthday wrong?
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

  7. #1287
    Wild thang Rattus's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    If you are a Skunk : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.
    Nope, not me at all.

    You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong.
    Yep, this is me.

    You are loved due to this.
    Nope, not me.

    You do not wish to talk behind one's back.
    Correct. I do not. Well, not often, anyway.
    People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough.
    Nope. Not at all.

    Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.
    And this one is unequivocably 100% me.

    Very spotty, these descriptions are.
    All I wanted was a 45, a stinking 45 - the record or the gun. I'd even settle for the damn malt liquor. - Al Bundy.

  8. #1288
    Signed, Sealed, Delivered prhoshay's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Bunny, I'm a bullfrog, too. Maybe that's why we get alone! "Ribit!"
    "...each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." - Mitch Albom, one helluva writer

    When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, you know which one you hit by the one that yelps!

  9. #1289
    FORT Fogey Margaritaville's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Bunny and Prhoshay -- I'm in the bullfrog club also. Although I gotta say, not too many of those descriptions hold for me.

  10. #1290
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

    1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

    7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

    8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

    11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12.) Super glue is forever.

    13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise whe n driving.

    18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

    19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

    25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.

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