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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #1271
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    [B]A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM [/B]

    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.


    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

    THURSDAY:
    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny trainer to find me.

    Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --which I sank.

    FRIDAY:
    I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    SATURDAY:
    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  2. #1272
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Found this one on another forum ...
    Thanksgiving Divorce

    A man in Phoenix calls his son Dan in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

    Frantic, Dan calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling Dan back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

  3. #1273
    FORT Fogey Lil Bit's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    I recently received a parrot as a gift, The parrot had a Bad attitude
    and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the Bird's' mouth was
    rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I Tried and tried to change
    the bird's attitude by consistently saying only Polite words, playing
    soft music and anything else I could think of To 'clean up' the bird's
    vocabulary.
    Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot Yelled
    back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and Even ruder.
    In desperation, I threw up my hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
    freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and Screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not A Peep, was heard For over a
    minute.
    Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I opened the door to the Freezer. The
    parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm And said, "I believe
    I may have offended you with my rude language and Actions. I'm
    sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I Fully
    intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and Unforgivable
    behavior."
    I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to
    Ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his Behavior, the
    bird continued,
    "May I ask what the turkey said to pi$$ you off so much?"

  4. #1274
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    This morning on the Freeway,

    I looked over to my left and there was

    a Woman

    In a brand new Honda Civic

    Doing 110 kms per hr

    With her

    Face up next to her

    Rear view mirror

    Putting on her eyeliner.

    I looked away

    For a couple seconds !

    And when I looked back she was

    Halfway over in my lane,

    Still working on that makeup.

    As a man,

    I don't scare easily.

    But she scared me so much;

    I dropped

    My electric shaver,

    Which knocked

    The Timmies Breakfast Sandwich

    Out of my other hand.

    In all

    The confusion of trying

    To straighten out the car

    Using my knees against

    The steering wheel,

    It knocked

    My Mobile phone

    Away from my ear

    Which fell

    Into the large double, double

    Between my legs,

    Splashed,

    And burned

    Big Jim and the Twins,

    Ruined the darn phone,

    Soaked my trousers,

    And disconnected an

    Important call.
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

  5. #1275
    addicted MamaC's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Got this in an email today.......

    The Pregnant Turkey


    Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
    traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a
    trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

    When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
    stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed
    the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

    When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
    proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
    reached in and pulled out the little bird.

    With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
    you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

    At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took
    the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs !

    Yep................SHE'S BLONDE

  6. #1276
    FORT Fogey CantGetNuf's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Important Mental Health Issues

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

    Do you suffer from shyness?

    Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

    Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

    Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

    You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

    Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

    Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


    Side effects may include:

    Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Loss of virginity Attraction to the same sex Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke

    WARNING:

    The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING:

    The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    WARNING:

    The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

    WARNING:

    The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
    We're not going to Guam are we?

  7. #1277
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Mom's can be very, very smart people....

    Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
    Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
    Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
    between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
    started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the
    eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
    thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates'. About a week
    later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to > dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. 'You
    don't suppose she took it, do you?'

    Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
    sure.' So he sat down and wrote:
    ______________________________ ______________________________ ____
    Dear Mom,

    I'm not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from the house,
    I'm not saying that you DID NOT take the gravy ladle. But the
    fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here for
    dinner.
    > Love, Brian
    ______________________________ ______________________________ ____

    Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
    read:
    ______________________________ ______________________________ ____

    Dear Son,
    I'm not saying that you DO sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you DO
    NOT sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, that if Jennifer is sleeping
    in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
    Love, Mom

  8. #1278
    FORT Fogey MsDiva2007's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

    'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

    'Speaking.'

    'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
    When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
    biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
    uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
    the results are not too good.'

    'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
    one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

    'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

    'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
    once and once onl y.'

    'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

    'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
    in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

  9. #1279
    Got wings 9/19/2012 buglover's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    that's just wrong!! but oh so funny!
    Yup, with donuts!!

  10. #1280
    Little Thing SR5Rfan's Avatar
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    Re: Jokes & Funnies

    Oh, MsDiva - I needed that laugh! Thanks...
    I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.

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